Bucket List - Cry in a Restaurant (CHECK!)

We're back from Vegas. I'm debating in my mind whether I should recap Vegas or not. I'm debating it because, did you know that someone else's vacation is the most disliked post by readers? This was surprising to me because I LOVE reading others travel/vacation posts. I like them so much that I search for travel posts and even re-read blog friends travel posts. Any who, since I've been to Vegas several times and have posted recaps before it really won't be anything new so ...

I recap for 80 year old Faith so I'll most likely write down a post not to forget anything. Basically it will be a post not published. We shall see. If you follow me on Instagram (midnyteblue13) then you saw a bit of our vacation.

And now I'm going to share something that is slightly embarrassing to me. My blog has been a rather positive one. I love positivity and have always been drawn to people who are. So when I feel that my blog has turned a somewhat different tune it doesn't exactly thrill me. I don't want to complain. I am not a complainer or a negative person by nature because my mantra has always been, "It is what it is. You just have to deal with it. What can you do to make things better?" I was able to share all the positive and happy because life was. I'm not saying that it isn't happy now but it has been different for me the last few months.

I had a phone interview while in Vegas and it is for a position that is right up my alley. I mean, made for me. Yeah, I know it wasn't made for me but I'm telling you it kinda was. Everything about the job description was what I want to do, what I could do and succeed at. Sean said I did amazing (but that's what husbands do, right), but more than that, I thought I did amazing. But I was not contacted for an in person interview and I just felt beaten.

So beaten that at a restaurant I had a bit of a meltdown. Not a tantrum, just tears that would not stop falling down my face. I had to keep wiping my face, Sean had to keep wiping my face because the tears would not stop falling for at least 15 minutes. I feel horrible for anyone who had to witness it especially for Sean. People probably thought he was being an ass to me when it was the complete opposite. I kept on telling myself, what's wrong with you? Just stop it already. Stop feeling bad for yourself. It's not a good look. Look at Sean, you're completely embarrassing him and yourself.

I've been trying to be positive because it's how I am by nature and it's "normal" for me but these feelings are very new. My thoughts are consuming me, so much so, that I ate a fortune cookie with the fortune still inside.

I've only been good with one type of change and that's a change of heart. Besides that I'm not one who likes change or welcomes change easily.

I've always been mindful that in every and anything to give thanks. No matter what, give thanks. It's in those moments that everything could be changing for the best. It's in those moments that God is testing you. Working on your behalf. It may not feel like it but give thanks anyway. And in this moment I have to do it but man it's hard.

I have to accept these feelings and not think that I'm being negative. It's OK for me to feel like a totally different person. I don't have to be 100% positive all the time, I don't have to smile when I want to frown. I can embrace that at this time, at this season, I'm in a different place. I can do that but still say thank you God, you're allowing me to experience something I've never experienced before. You're teaching me that when things settle down that I'll never be short of grateful. I know this is only for a short amount of time. So if for some odd reason tears need to fall at the most inappropriate time I'm embracing it.

I'm embracing not having the answers. I'm embracing the doubt. I'm embracing having to use "Sean's money". I'm embracing not feeling like Faith. It is only but for a season.

My birthday is in a week and it's the first time in many, many years that I don't know what's to come. Granted I never really knew what was to come, but I'm sure you know what I'm saying. Being a person who likes to know everything this is particularly hard. This birthday I'll probably have another meltdown. This birthday, opening cards will most likely result in hyperventilating tears. This birthday is one that I'll most likely remember because I know that my next birthday will begin so much differently than this year.

I hope that soon, very soon, these alien feelings will be a distant memory. But hopefully a memory that I can look back on and say, "Faith, you're such a drama queen. Laugh at yourself."

And in a few months I'll read this post and hope that indeed I am laughing (hell, I'll have Sean join me) that I cried in a restaurant. In front of strangers, in public, and that Sean had to wipe my face. And then after the belly busting laughs I'll most likely curl up into a bowl of mortification.