Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Beginning.

Began writing on 2/13/2016:

How do I begin this post? I almost want to laugh about it all but I'm in unbearable pain right now. Physical pain. So any laughter that I may want to do is ill advised. On a quiet, relaxing Sunday (1/17/2016) I began to have a small pain to the back of my leg. Felt like I pulled a muscle, not a major deal. Or so it seemed. I woke up Monday morning to the same feeling but again was not alarmed. I work out regularly so this often happened to me. I remember telling myself that day that I wouldn't go to the gym just to avoid aggravating it any further. That line alone makes me almost laugh.

Around 12:30pm, that Monday afternoon, I felt my upper left thigh begin to expand and so I looked down and I could almost see it happening. I stood up quickly, maybe too quickly, and pulled the top part of my grey pants to sort of compare both of my legs. Sure enough, the comparison alarmed me so I walked over to my boss to explain the situation and told her that I had to leave because I needed to go to the Emergency Room. She got this worried look on her face and all this mumbo, jumbo began to leave her lips which I could not hear because suddenly I was swept into an unbearable amount of pain. My left leg swelled from top to bottom and I could not walk without assistance. My left leg became so heavy that I had to basically drag it in order to walk.

My co-workers at this time are freaking out and I'm stubborn (bad trait) and tell them to just help me to my car. I had already called Sean who had just arrived to work ten minutes prior. Sean works in New Jersey which is about an hour away from where we live; so when he left work he was still an hour away, unfortunately. I decide that instead of going straight to the hospital I would go home and wait for Sean. I will admit that being in that much pain did not really help my decision making skills. In fact my pain and stubbornness may have deeply altered any proper decision that I would have made. But that's neither here nor there at this point.

I chose to drive myself home (took 30 minutes) in excruciating pain. I still want to punch myself in the face for driving home in that state; even though at the time I did not realize how serious it was. It was such a bad decision. How I was able to drive on the road, get out my car door, walk to my house door and climb my stairs on my own is mind boggling. When I finally got into my bedroom, I threw myself on the bed and waited over an hour for Sean to get home. It felt like the longest wait of my life.

When Sean finally got home he was in shock because of how big my left leg had gotten and the fact that I could not lift or move my leg. It was dead weight. He had to pick me up and couldn't see the last few steps at the bottom and we almost had a fall. Sean was able to break the fall and we made it out the house into the bitter cold. When we got to the Emergency Room, Sean quickly got me a wheelchair and I was admitted.

The doctors asked so many questions (they drew blood, took an ultrasound of my left leg and a urine sample) and I was later advised, DVT (deep vein thrombosis). It was surprising to the ER doctor considering my age and medical history so he began to ask me every and anything regarding my medical history. Did I have anything to share that they did not know? I advised that I had pneumonia 3 years ago and was diagnosed with uterine fibroids in 2007.

I'm going to stop here because this post is getting rather long (and I feel sick remembering this all) but hopefully I'll be able to help anyone in my position (now and maybe not yet) be able to handle what I'm trying to gracefully handle right now. To help make you make some hard decisions that you may not want to make but to help you know that they are often the right ones to make. Because it's so hard to say, I wish I knew what I know now. Oh how I wish.

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FYI: This was such a hard post to make and I had to stop 9 times because my chest would tighten and I would feel like I could not breathe. I had to go to a different room and take so many deep breaths just to calm myself down. It's crazy how 2 months can change everything. Change how you view life and yourself. I have never (not even with my mom's recent death) felt the way I have felt the last two months and I've never been so afraid. You tell yourself that it is right to be brave, to fake a smile, but truly it isn't. I have learned that faking it till you make it is bull. That it means nothing when you're literally fighting for your life. The feelings, the emotions. They are just so real that those sayings don't mean anything when you're going through literally the toughest time of your life. I've learned that I'm not as brave as I thought I was but I am much stronger (physically and mentally) than I ever thought I was.

When I'm ready, I'll return with another post but please know that I am so, so grateful to every single one of you who has sent well wishes my way. I will never truly know how much they helped me in my time of need but know that I know that the strength that I gained the last two months did not only come from me. Thank you! ♥

22 comments:

Sandie said...

Faith! I pray that God's healing power will over take you. Sis, so sorry to hear this news. You are in my thoughts. You are strong, and I pray that the best days are ahead of you.

Highly Favored said...

Faith, Be encouraged and know that God has not forgotten you. He will give you supernatural peace during life's most difficult circumstances (Ask me how I know). I'm praying for you!!! {HUGS}

Maureen S. said...

The Lord is your strength! You don't have to be courageous or strong. Keep leaning on Him. I'm happy you are well enough to share with us. Hugs!

Christelle said...

Wow, Faith!! What a scary situation! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I hope with each day your are doing better. Thank you for sharing, I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you, but in sharing you may save someone else! Sending best wishes for continued healing!

Law_Fal said...

Still sending prayers your way Faith. Love & strength to you.

Sharon Staggers-Moss said...

OMG.....I am so sorry that you had to go through what you went through. I am keeping you in my prayers. You have an army of people praying for you.

Kimberly Brown said...

Sending you SOOOO much love and SOOOO many hugs. xo

Desiree Macke said...

Faith, that is SO scary.
Hugs and prayers that the pain eases and you're 100%, soon.

Tomes Edition said...

I pray you get back to your optimum health soon.

Montaya said...

Praying for you Faith and for continued healing.

Cece said...

The craziest things is how you were fine one day and not the next. It is just mind boggling how things can happen that way and you truly never know when it could. You are one tough cookie. Too tough! And I could totally see myself doing that. I never want to ask for help and I always think I'm fine. I'm so glad that you are still here to tell this story.

Laura Darling said...

This is so scary! It's gotta be so tough to look back on it. Prayers and hugs to you!!!

Sharon said...

That's a scary situation! Sending a lot of prayers and hugs your way!

Crystal said...

I have been thinking of you and praying for you since your last post. Please reach out by email if you need to... I can't begin to understand what you are dealing with, but I will definitely listen and support you through it. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers, sweet blog friend :)

Nic A said...

I'm always thinking of and praying for you. take care of yourself girly. hugs <3

Shannon said...

Wow. I'm glad to hear that you're alright. During times such as these, the usual cliches don't always work. I know that for a fact. I know that when things seem so hard to deal with, it's almost nearly impossible to get a positive grip on things. But one thing I have learned in my 31 years of living is that making an attempt to think positively affects the spirit in so many ways and in turn helps the body to maintain a relaxed state in order to heal itself, even if it's gradual. I truly believe that we give ourselves positive, spiritual energy and healing.

Ashley R said...

Oh Faith. My heart broke reading this. You are so strong! xx

Pegster said...

Wow, Faith, I can't even imagine what you went through. Reading this gave me chills. Life is so fragile. Take good care of yourself my friend.

The Mrs./The Mom said...

Oh goodness!! Thanks for deciding to share with us. Your virtual friends care for you and I have lifted you up in prayer even without knowing the specifics. I am surprised your boss let you leave- she definitely shouldn't have- that's a huuuuuge liability!

Express Those Feelings said...
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Nellie @ Brooklyn Active Mama said...

I am so praying for you my love. I know what its like to get insanely sick at work nonetheless...my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are amazing.

High Heels & Good Meals! said...

I am sorry to hear you went through that. I pray all is well now.