Beginning.

Began writing on 2/13/2016:

How do I begin this post? I almost want to laugh about it all but I'm in unbearable pain right now. Physical pain. So any laughter that I may want to do is ill advised. On a quiet, relaxing Sunday (1/17/2016) I began to have a small pain to the back of my leg. Felt like I pulled a muscle, not a major deal. Or so it seemed. I woke up Monday morning to the same feeling but again was not alarmed. I work out regularly so this often happened to me. I remember telling myself that day that I wouldn't go to the gym just to avoid aggravating it any further. That line alone makes me almost laugh.

Around 12:30pm, that Monday afternoon, I felt my upper left thigh begin to expand and so I looked down and I could almost see it happening. I stood up quickly, maybe too quickly, and pulled the top part of my grey pants to sort of compare both of my legs. Sure enough, the comparison alarmed me so I walked over to my boss to explain the situation and told her that I had to leave because I needed to go to the Emergency Room. She got this worried look on her face and all this mumbo, jumbo began to leave her lips which I could not hear because suddenly I was swept into an unbearable amount of pain. My left leg swelled from top to bottom and I could not walk without assistance. My left leg became so heavy that I had to basically drag it in order to walk.

My co-workers at this time are freaking out and I'm stubborn (bad trait) and tell them to just help me to my car. I had already called Sean who had just arrived to work ten minutes prior. Sean works in New Jersey which is about an hour away from where we live; so when he left work he was still an hour away, unfortunately. I decide that instead of going straight to the hospital I would go home and wait for Sean. I will admit that being in that much pain did not really help my decision making skills. In fact my pain and stubbornness may have deeply altered any proper decision that I would have made. But that's neither here nor there at this point.

I chose to drive myself home (took 30 minutes) in excruciating pain. I still want to punch myself in the face for driving home in that state; even though at the time I did not realize how serious it was. It was such a bad decision. How I was able to drive on the road, get out my car door, walk to my house door and climb my stairs on my own is mind boggling. When I finally got into my bedroom, I threw myself on the bed and waited over an hour for Sean to get home. It felt like the longest wait of my life.

When Sean finally got home he was in shock because of how big my left leg had gotten and the fact that I could not lift or move my leg. It was dead weight. He had to pick me up and couldn't see the last few steps at the bottom and we almost had a fall. Sean was able to break the fall and we made it out the house into the bitter cold. When we got to the Emergency Room, Sean quickly got me a wheelchair and I was admitted.

The doctors asked so many questions (they drew blood, took an ultrasound of my left leg and a urine sample) and I was later advised, DVT (deep vein thrombosis). It was surprising to the ER doctor considering my age and medical history so he began to ask me every and anything regarding my medical history. Did I have anything to share that they did not know? I advised that I had pneumonia 3 years ago and was diagnosed with uterine fibroids in 2007.

I'm going to stop here because this post is getting rather long (and I feel sick remembering this all) but hopefully I'll be able to help anyone in my position (now and maybe not yet) be able to handle what I'm trying to gracefully handle right now. To help make you make some hard decisions that you may not want to make but to help you know that they are often the right ones to make. Because it's so hard to say, I wish I knew what I know now. Oh how I wish.

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FYI: This was such a hard post to make and I had to stop 9 times because my chest would tighten and I would feel like I could not breathe. I had to go to a different room and take so many deep breaths just to calm myself down. It's crazy how 2 months can change everything. Change how you view life and yourself. I have never (not even with my mom's recent death) felt the way I have felt the last two months and I've never been so afraid. You tell yourself that it is right to be brave, to fake a smile, but truly it isn't. I have learned that faking it till you make it is bull. That it means nothing when you're literally fighting for your life. The feelings, the emotions. They are just so real that those sayings don't mean anything when you're going through literally the toughest time of your life. I've learned that I'm not as brave as I thought I was but I am much stronger (physically and mentally) than I ever thought I was.

When I'm ready, I'll return with another post but please know that I am so, so grateful to every single one of you who has sent well wishes my way. I will never truly know how much they helped me in my time of need but know that I know that the strength that I gained the last two months did not only come from me. Thank you! ♥