The time for actions is now

I’ve missed my blog.

Admittedly a lot has been on my mind and although blogging has always been therapeutic to me it has been the last place I’ve wanted to be. I’m incredibly sad, frustrated and angry that this post I wrote in 2013 regarding Trayvon Martin still rings very true seven years later. I am hopeful because I am seeing a lot more people speak up against the injustice Black people have continued to face versus sitting quiet because let's be honest a lot of the issues that affect Black communities do not affect them at all. That has been the silver lining in all of this. I am truly trying to stay hopeful and do much more than just pray. Praying is great and all but Faith without works is dead. And don’t get me started on how churches have chosen to stay quiet about racism for centuries but I digress … I’ve been educating myself on these issues ever since Trayvon Martin and I’ll continue to do so. These issues are not a trend, these are issues that have plagued the Black community for way too many years and people who want to fight along with us are all welcomed. Be sure that when you join this fight you are all in. There is no what ifs ... with us, or against us.

I think that’s pretty simple and it should have been for centuries.
Black Lives Matter to me. And it should for you too.

Craving sanity

I haven’t wanted to blog the last week and I know you all know why. My mind has been bogged down with all the information we are learning minute by minute. I don’t think I’ve ever seen information be updated as quickly as it has. It’s like each minute there’s a new positive, a new death … and it is just all so much. Sanity is completely all I’m craving at this moment.

The news has been on constantly and I realized how it was affecting my mood, my skin, my outlook … basically everything. I’ve never been so on edge. Wash your hands, wash your hands … the water so hot that I am literally burning my hands. I’m working from home and I’m still washing my hands and using sanitizer like an unhinged person. Thank God that I have a job that affords me to work from home because I know so many that do not have that luxury. Sean does not have that luxury and I am praying over his life so much harder these days. Reminding him to use the sanitizers I luckily had on hand because hygiene has always been a priority. Telling him to keep his distance but I know it’s difficult for the work he does. I’ve given him so much information that he has had a lot of things I’ve mentioned implemented at his work which gives me a sense of relief. But I’m not sure if relief is the word I’m looking for because relief is the last word I’ve been feeling.

Over the weekend, I had to turn off the news. I could not take it another minute. And guys, what a difference in my attitude. I felt so much better, the tightness in my chest gone. I know how important it is to stay in the know but even I know that all the information will be there when I return.

We did things around the house, finally filed all our rental paperwork that we’ve been putting off for YEARS, Sean grilled steak for dinner and it was so, so good. We binged ‘On the Block’ on Netflix, a show we both enjoy and took the dogs for long walks as we were blessed with sunny days. You don’t realize how much you crave the company of people until you must social distance. We were supposed to visit Colleen last weekend and of course we had to cancel … and it sucked because Colleen and I have been talking about this visit for months. But I’m reassuring myself that this too shall pass … and that soon enough I’m going to be craving these quiet weekends at home.

I’m not taking this time to do ALL the things. I’m just trying to do things that I have put off or procrastinated on because of things I felt had more priority. Granted, my weeks are the same, nothing has changed there. It’s my weekends that have. So, with the free time on the weekends I’m slowing down, cooking more (I know, how is that possible?) enjoying the fresh air when we walk the dogs, talking to my family and taking it day to day.

So this blog will be different during this time. I’ll pop up when I feel the need to write and pop out just as quickly. I just want you all to take care of yourselves during this time. This isn’t an easy time for anyone. I’ve always stressed the importance of enjoying the little things … and wow, is now that time more than ever. There is a silver lining in all of this … we now see how much we need each other to survive, to thrive and to live. Be kinder than you’ve ever had to be, be generous if you have the means, and be loving as for the one time in our lives, we really are in this together. We need each other now more than ever. I’m praying for all of us while remembering that this too shall pass; if there is one thing I’m certain of it is that. I love you all. Take care.

Difficult times.

The last few weeks have been tough, a reminder that life isn’t always pretty. It gets hard sometimes to see all the good when something bad or evil happens. I know that I get caught up a bit and my mind runs wild with thoughts and Sean and my sisters often have to tell me to stop. I cried so much when I heard the news of Vegas so I can’t imagine how those who lost loved ones (because of a senseless terrorist act) feel.

Coming from a person who goes to Vegas 1-2 times per year, I know the excitement one feels when they’re in Vegas. This is a place that I call Disneyland for adults. And for a person to take away that feeling for no reason, I just can’t understand. And because I can’t understand, I can’t stop thinking. At this point, I just begin to feel hopeless. Because tragedies like these continue to happen and nothing is changing. Our lawmakers/government are not making the streets safe for any of us. It is not right that you can’t go to the movie theatre, church, concert or a shopping mall without wondering if you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time. No one needs an automatic. No one. Stricter gun laws are necessary, why can’t we all see that? Does it have to be you, a person you love, before you’re able to see that? I’ll never understand.

My sisters know that I leave for Vegas this month but they were not sure of the exact dates. As soon as the news began to trickle in about the Vegas shooting, I received separate texts from each of my sisters within minutes of each other. The texts made me sick because I could actually feel their worry. All I could think was that this same scenario must have happened and someone didn’t get a response that their sister was OK. That makes my heart hurt so bad.

I didn’t expect this post to turn this way but I’m just going to go with it.

But in all the bad, you can see the good. They say that light will always overcome darkness. Even just a little bit of light. In all these tragedies you see all the goodness. You see people risking their lives to help, to save others. That is what I have to also remind myself when I can’t stop thinking of the bad. There is still so much good. There is so much good that I can do, to make a difference in this world.

We leave for Vegas in less than three weeks and we thought about canceling it but we changed our minds. It will also be Cinthia’s first time going so we intend to show her all the good fun that Vegas offers. I won’t live in fear. Even though I am afraid, I won’t let that fear get the best of me. Life is just so short and unpredictable.

Truly, live life well. Tell the people you love that you love them and often. Pick up the phone and call someone versus sending a text. Life gets busy but be sure to see your friends, see your family. Make a stranger smile. Feed the hungry, help the less fortunate. Be good. Do good. You are good.

Waste of spaces.

I often want this space on the internet to be light and fun but it is also my diary of sorts and I can’t leave it blank from what’s going on in our world. Let’s just say that I’m at the angry stage. I was in disbelief at first (not sure why because America) but now I’m pissed. And the issue isn't even that I'm pissed, the issue is, why aren't you?

The thing is that when you’re a black person living in America, you’ve already dealt with a lot of issues that people can only imagine; and sometimes they can't even do that. It’s being followed when you’re in the store because of the color of your skin, it’s white people telling you that you don’t talk like a black person as though there’s a way to know what a black person sounds like, it's being told that you’re pretty for a black girl by more than one white person, it’s being told that you got the job because of affirmative action; when in fact white women are the ones who have benefited the most from affirmative action. Don't believe me, do some research. It's being called the N word by a bunch of white college guys (driving by in a truck) while you're walking on your college campus. It is having to explain to your husband why we can't live or travel to certain places in America because of the color of my skin.

And this is just my personal experience. But trust me when I say I have a lot more.

It is having to cancel your weekend plans to drive to see your sister and her family. Why? Because your older sister is worried for your safety because cops are stopping and summoning black people while driving with absolutely no grounds.

It is your sister telling you not to travel to see her without Sean, as she would be more comfortable if Sean, a white person, was in the car with me. This isn’t her being extra but because this week that is what happened to her. She was summoned for inappropriate use of her cellphone when the cop clearly saw that her cell was in her purse. Why didn’t he just admit that he made an error when he realized he stopped her for no reason? The thing was he was stopping her for NO reason.

And I don’t want to hear that stuff like this happens all the time. I know the reason why she was stopped, she knows the reason why she was stopped. She also knows that it is because my niece (sleeping) and nephew (singing) were in their car seats that it did not get ugly when she asked (politely, sucks that I feel that I have to add that) why she was being stopped.

I’ve been in the car with Sean (SO MANY TIMES!) going over 30 miles per hour and he being given warnings to slow down. One state trooper actually told him to, "Slow down bro". And trust me, every.single.time he should have been given a ticket!

It’s a sad and scary world we’re living in. Some of y’all are truly lucky because you don’t live with constant worries about things that people of color worry about. We worry about the same things you worry about (family members getting sick, losing a job, death of love ones, etc) but then we get added worries about being treated poorly or just killed because of the color of our skin.

And when the president of the United States actually says that those protesting Nazis are just as bad as Nazis, how can any one of color be safe?! How can people still stand with and behind a president who does that? To be honest, I’m glad he said what he did. Because there’s no sugar coating it. There’s no, he didn’t mean what he said. He said it; loud, proud and clear. And if you decide to still support him then you’re just as bad as him. Yes, I said it, you are just as bad as him. I’m not going to make excuses for people who say they aren’t racist but CLEARLY don’t mind racism. If you don’t mind racism then you are racist. Plain and simple.

Forget your political party (let's be honest, none of them care about us!), it is no longer about that, and if you didn't know that by now you haven't been paying attention. Seriously, it must be so nice to live in that world.

I just wish there is an undiscovered land that we could find to have all these pieces of shit dumped on and left to figure it out on their own. You want to live in a world with people that only look like you, then by all means find that place and go there. Leave the rest of us to live in a world full of beautiful diversity. It is no longer even about tolerance. It is about being a damn good person.

Just be a good, decent human being, that isn’t fucking racist.

P.S. I would normally apologize about the cursing, but I'm not sorry. Racists deserve all the fucking curse worlds in the dictionary.

Bye.

Why?

I’m aware that there is hatred in the world. But when it rears its ugly head and shows its true form that knowledge does not make it hurt any less. When something horrible happens I tend to overanalyze and it really does me no good. But I just can’t wrap my mind about how and why? I never will but I still question it over and over again. I play out in my mind how this person woke up like it was any other day and had no idea it was their last day. I play out the fear they felt when they realize that this is it.

I wish I knew why I make myself sick about it but I feel an overwhelming amount of sadness for the lives lost and for those who are suffering due to the loss of their love ones. Loss of their love ones due to a senseless act filled of pure hatred. Why can’t everyone be compassionate? Why can’t everyone feel love, even if that person is a stranger? How can someone not know the difference of right and wrong? Why do we have to reside in a world with people who make the world so unsafe for anyone who crosses their path? Why do we have to be at the right place at the right time? Why is life so scary?

I know many are saddened. I know many are asking the questions. I just wish we had answers.

My heart goes out to all those who lives have been changed due to hatred. I wish I could make the pain go away so I’ll pray that somehow you are comforted to know that so many are praying for you and wish that you did not have to go through what you’re going through. I wish that your pain was just a nightmare and that you would be waking up from it in just a few minutes.

The What Ifs...

Began writing on 2/13/2016:

If you weren't able to read my last four posts start HERE and then read THIS and then THIS and then THIS that way you are not confused with the way I start my next sentence.

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After surgery I was still under the effects of anesthesia but I recall seeing Sean and asking him immediately if the doctor was able to save my uterus. I remember him not answering me but I was exhausted and didn't have the energy to press him and shortly after fell asleep.

I woke up when I heard my doctor enter my room. He asked me how I was doing and I nodded my head sleepily. Soon after he advised me that the surgery went longer than they anticipated, four hours instead of two due to unforeseen circumstances, but that my body reacted much better than they expected. Surprisingly, I did not bleed as much as they thought I would and did not require another blood transfusion. He seemed happy about the outcome so I asked him, "Were you able to save my uterus?" And he replied that unfortunately he could not save my uterus. He explained that when he opened me up it showed that not only did I have massive fibroids (they weighed 8.8 lbs!) but that I also had endometriosis which is a disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of the uterus grows outside the uterus. There was no saving of my uterus. Additionally, one of my ovaries was in bad shape due to the growth of my fibroids so they had to take it out as well. Good news though was that my other ovary was unscathed and they were able to leave it in so I luckily wouldn't have to go through menopause.

When I think about it now this was all good news because I made it out the surgery when my chances were not very good considering my state. But as soon as he finished his spiel, I began to blame myself in front of my doctor. I pointed out that if I just had them taken out in 2007 or in 2012 I wouldn't be in this predicament. Why didn't I get more opinions? Why was I satisfied with what my doctor said? My doctor, Dr. Taylor, (who I must add is the best doctor I've ever had) told me that I could not blame myself because he would have advised me of the same thing my doctor had. He said, I would have told you the same thing because at that time they were not causing me pain or affecting my well-being. He was also kind enough to point out that just because I had taken them out in 2007 or in 2012 didn't mean they wouldn't have grown back with a vengeance considering the size my fibroids grew in a short amount of time.

He told me that very often, if taken out, fibroids tend to grow back faster and bigger and that the only way to guarantee no further fibroid growth or problems was to have a hysterectomy. He asked me, "Were you ready for that"? I replied with a no and that was that. I was extremely thankful that he tried to make me feel better because I know that I am my worst enemy sometimes. But the what ifs and whys are still tough.

So now that my uterus was out this meant that my vein was no longer being compressed so I inquired about my blood clot. Since this is not Dr. Taylor's specialty he advised me that my vascular doctor would be in shortly to tell me their plans to treat my left leg. My vascular doctor, Dr. Doctor (no joke that is her name!) shortly came in and advised me that since the compression was now relieved on my vein that they would do the Catheter-Directed Thrombolysis on my left leg again the following day. This was the first time that the procedure concerned me because now I didn't just have leg pain but abdomen pain as well. My worries were because the procedure that was done to my leg involved me laying on my stomach as the catheter was injected behind my left knee to break up the blood clot. I asked about my abdomen and she advised that it had to be done so I was going to have to push through the pain and discomfort.

The day after my surgery, I was prepped for the procedure but this time they could not allow me to have as much anesthesia for safety reasons so I could actually feel the probing in the back of my knee and discomfort in my stomach. It wasn't so much that it hurt so bad but the fact that I was awake and could feel the probing... It was just the weirdest experience but I made it and the following day another ultrasound was done on my left leg and it finally revealed that the blood clot had broken. My leg was still extremely swollen but my doctor advised that within one month I would see the swelling go down considerably.

The seven days that followed this were hard. I was placed on bed rest for a few days after the surgery but was no longer in the ICU. I had to learn how to use a bed pan which resulted in me saying goodbye to pride. I had to learn how to ask for help which I found out was difficult for me as I have a "I can do everything attitude". I learned that there is actually a right and wrong way to walk since I had to learn how to walk again with the help of physical therapists. I also learned that I'm not above having an insane amount of emotional breakdowns in front of strangers. To be honest, I've never felt so helpless, weak, sad or embarrassed in my life.

But it was during all of that that I also learned something about myself. My spirit could not be broken. There was this light that I couldn't see yet but I knew it was there; and as each day passed the light would show itself more. It would have been so easy to tell my nurses, "No, today I cannot sit up in my chair because of the pain". It would have been so easy to tell my physical therapist that even with the support of a walker it took too much out of me to walk like a snail. All of that was true but I refused to say it because they told me that I could do it. Often times I would be out of breath as though I ran a mile but had not even moved for more than two minutes. It was difficult but as soon as I was told you could do it, I did it.

I've had to look at the silver lining in all of this. It's the only way to not become a pessimist or a negative individual. It's sanity. They were able to save one of my ovaries so no menopause (hallelujah!) and not another menstrual cycle for the rest of my life. To top it all off my belly is flat ;).

You know the saying, "I've never met a strong person with an easy past". Well, it's true because it is during the toughest times in your life that you find strength within you that would not come out unless it's during a difficult time.

Those silver linings made me say, thank God for small mercies.

Choices.

Began writing on 2/13/2016:

If you weren't able to read my last three posts start HERE and then read THIS and then THIS that way you are not confused with the way I start my next sentence.

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The thought of going through another DVT scared the heck out of me so I asked what the surgery entailed and this is when I became aware that my doctor was staring at me with such a sad expression on his face. And that is when I knew.

My doctor said, "You're aware that your uterus has shifted due to the growth of your fibroids and is now compressing your vein". I nodded. He continued, "In order to relieve the compression we need to remove your uterus as your fibroids have essentially destroyed it. The surgery will take about two hours. We'll have to cut your abdomen vertically about ten inches long as your fibroids are too big" ...

At this moment, I did not hear anything else he said. I looked over at Sean and began to cry. My doctor actually got up, not finished with what he was telling us and said he'll give us a few minutes alone for some privacy.

As soon as he left that is when the real crying happened. I'm going to be honest with what I said next. I asked Sean, "Why can't they just take out the fucking fibroids. I don't get it!" He was quiet and just held me. As soon as I began to calm down he said, "Let's ask the doctor to come back in that way we can ask some questions". I agreed. He asked the doctor if there was a way to save my uterus and just have the fibroids removed.

My doctor said that he would do as we request but that based on the condition of my uterus there were no guarantees. He advised that he will go into the surgery with the intentions of saving my uterus. He did, however, tell me that if he goes in with the intentions of saving my uterus based on my permission, that if he went in and realized that he could not take out the fibroids, without further harming my uterus, he would have to seal me back up with the fibroids still inside. He asked me to trust him and that if he did go in and could see that there was no saving of my uterus that I would be OK with him taking out both my uterus and the fibroids.

He reminded me that if the compression of my vein was not relieved I was still in danger because this massive blood clot in my left leg was going no where and time was of the essence.

I think Sean could tell that I was going to freak out again so he asked the doctor for a few minutes alone as we needed to discuss.

In my head all I could think was, it's my life or my uterus. It's my life or my uterus. It was my life or my chance of carrying Sean's and I's baby. It was my life or me ever getting pregnant. When I think about it now, it's an easy answer. I mean, what's there to think about? Well, I did. I thought about it for what felt like hours but was only just mere minutes. I had to let my options sink in. And then I began to cry again. This is not an option I screamed to Sean. They didn't give me any options! I don't have a choice, now do I? He rubbed my back and listened to me cry while he tried to console me. When I could cry no more he said, "You know what we have to do, babe. You know what we have to do".

At this point, my family had arrived and they told me to do what I needed to do to be alive but it wasn't until I listened to my dad's voicemail that I really knew. He just lost my mother, the love of his life. His best friend. If anyone knew sadness and grief, it was him. He said simply, "Ruthfaith, you need to live. I need you to live. Tell the doctors to take it out!" I pulled myself up after listening to the voicemail and told Sean to tell the doctors to come back in as we had made our decision. I told the doctors when they arrived to try to save my uterus if they could but if they couldn't to take whatever was harming my life, out of me. In my head I kept on thinking, take those shits out.

Because in the end, if that's the cards you're dealt, that's the cards you play.

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OK, this is so long and I truly appreciate you all reading these posts without any pictures! But I'll stop again and continue in a few days. I hope you all are having wonderful weeks! ♥

Accepting.

As we go further I thought I should disclose that some of these details I had not remembered until I was reminded by my doctors, Sean and my family. The pain, the drugs, really the pain over anything else. It resulted in me being fuzzy, confused and certainly not cleared headed. It has actually only been one week that I've not been in constant pain and so many memories are flooding back.

I thought I should also add that one of the reasons we (Sean and I) choose not to take out the fibroids in 2012 was because we did not have kids. We were advised that because my fibroids were not currently a real "problem" and because there were risks associated with taking them out (infertility being the biggest one) we decided it wasn't worth the risk. Little did we know.

Began writing on 2/13/2016:

If you weren't able to read my last two posts start HERE and then read THIS that way you are not confused with the way I start my next sentence.

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When I got to the hospital I was placed in the ICU as I was in bad shape and needed to be monitored very closely. My doctors were surprised with how low my blood levels were. It was 6.4 and the normal number is 12. There were discussions of me needing a blood transfusion if it stayed that low. I also continued to have temperatures over 102. Overall, my vitals were just not looking good.

The first few nights I could not sleep because anytime I would fall asleep my machines would start beeping like crazy and there was nothing that could be done to stop the beeping. Believe me I asked. I needed help breathing and well, not sleeping was the least of my worries at the time. I was in the ICU for 4 out of the 12 days of my hospital stay and was placed on Dilaudid (stronger than Morphine) through an IV as I was in extreme pain in my leg. I could not lift my left leg at all. It had swelled to almost three times the size of my right leg which was actually also swollen.

I was shortly placed in the care of doctors from interventional radiology, gynecology, gynecology oncology and vascular. However, after the ultrasound of my abdomen, gynecology was discharged as they could not handle the size of my fibroids. Gynecology oncology had to take the lead as they dealt with tumors my size on a daily basis.

Since my vitals were so bad interventional radiology decided to wait until the following day to do the procedure needed on my left leg. The procedure needed was a Catheter-Directed Thrombolysis. I was advised that because my blood clot was so massive they were unsure how long it will take for my body to eventually dissolve and because of this they feared that the blood clot could do damage to the inside of my vein. I was also at a high risk for a pulmonary embolism. The procedure was to quickly break up the blood clot and restore my blood flow. They did advise that this procedure was riskier than taking blood thinners but at this point I had no choice. They would use an X-ray as a guide and a specialist would put a catheter into my vein and work on breaking up the DVT.

Since I was on Heparin now the doctors did not fear that another blood clot would occur as the blood thinners would prevent new clots from forming. On January 19th, a filter was placed (to ensure no clots traveled to my lungs or brain) and I had my first procedure to break up the blood clot in my left leg because even though I was on Heparin it would not be able to dissolve my existing blood clot. I was told that the next day they'll do another ultrasound of my leg to ensure the procedure worked and broke up the clot.

On January 20th, I had another ultrasound of my left leg and it showed that the procedure did not do a thing. This isn't a small procedure either so the fact that the blood clot did not respond baffled my doctors. So I had the procedure done a second time and again nothing. The blood clot was still there and not breaking up. There was another thing they could do to relieve the compression on my vein but because I was on blood thinners it was not recommended and very high risk considering my condition. My doctors all had opinions about it but eventually they all agreed that they had to relieve the compression because what usually took one try was not working. The ultrasound of my left leg revealed the clot as the first day I was admitted. It appeared as though no treatment had been given to me in the time I was in the hospital.

I was going to need surgery to relieve the compression to my vein. I was on blood thinners, kept having fevers which we found out was due to an infection. And I don't think I've mentioned that at this point I had already had 2 blood transfusions.

Regardless of my poor condition my doctors knew this was my only option at this point. This sounds so extra but either I was going to live or I was going to die. I asked what the risks were and was told that it was high risk in my state and that I could die on the table by hemorrhaging. I was then told that if the surgery was not done the compression on my vein would not be relieved and I would get another DVT and might not be so lucky. It was no longer a matter of if but of when.

The thought of going through another DVT scared the heck out of me so I asked what the surgery entailed and this is when I became aware that my doctor was staring at me with such a sad expression on his face. And that is when I knew.

This is getting long so I'll continue very soon.

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I must add that during the whole ordeal I did not once think that my body was failing me. In fact, I had so much more respect and appreciation for my body because it was fighting so hard to stay alive. My vascular doctor told me that I was her youngest patient to be diagnosed with a DVT and not for the regular reasons. Everything was just not how it normally goes with my situation. The thing is that it was never too late for me. Even when the doctors could not believe that something hadn't happened yet or that something shouldn't be like this, it was. And you know what, I may not have been on time but God was on time for me. He knew how long it would take for my diagnosis to happen, how long it would take for me to get to the ER, how long it would take for everything to transpire so He gave me all the time I needed. Nothing more, nothing less. And when I think about it I get goose bumps because I know He was carefully watching me through it all. He had my back. And I know some people might think if He really had your back this wouldn't have happened. I disagree. If He did not have my back I would not be writing this post.

Knowing.

Began writing on 2/13/2016

If you weren't able to read my last post start HERE that way you are not confused with the way I start my next sentence.

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My ER doctors were concerned because the blood clot was massive and could have easily broken loose and traveled through my blood stream; lodged itself inside of my lungs, blocked blood flow and resulted in a pulmonary embolism. The concern was because a pulmonary embolism can be fatal. I was immediately placed on Heparin (blood thinner) and since they could not do the procedure I needed I was rushed via ambulance to another hospital to be treated. The ER doctors at this time had an idea what caused the DVT and it was a big surprise to me AND my doctors; those damn fibroids.

Before I go any further, I think it's time to get into a little history of these fibroids. I mentioned it a couple times on the blog but I may need to go into more detail.

In 2007, I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids but at that time they were very small and not an issue. My gynecologist at that time explained that many women have fibroids and go their whole lives without any problems. Since I was not having any issues I went about my life and literally forgot about the fibroids. They did not bother me at all.

Fast forward 5 years and the fibroid conversation re-entered my life. This time I was older but not much wiser. Difference is that in 2012 I actually noticed a change in my body (abdomen felt heavy, felt really bloated during the time of the month and heavy bleeding - sorry if this is TMI but we're all women here) but if you read the previous posts it almost sounds like I'm not really taking it seriously. Almost like I didn't understand and it is because I didn't really understand.

I did ask a lot more questions this time around and learned that uterine fibroids are mostly non-cancerous tumors, it was most common in African American women but my gynecologist was quick to point out that any race could have them. Mine had grown bigger than they were in 2007 but were not more than average and again was told that many women go their whole lives not even knowing they have them. She advised me not to be alarmed; that this was perfectly normal. However, in the future if I tried to become pregnant and could not or if I did get pregnant and began to suffer miscarriages then we would explore the more invasive options. She gave me a prescription for a higher dose Midol and said it would help with the heavy bleeding and bloating issues. I obviously was OK with that.

There is no answer on what causes the growth of fibroids. The cause is actually unknown. Isn't that scary? But yeah. They "think" that it has something to do with estrogen, obesity, family history of fibroids and not having yet given birth. SO BROAD! This is not a good enough answer for me anymore because I'm not obese and have no family history of fibroids. I'm the only one! So estrogen? Well duh! Women have estrogen. And not having given birth? Um?!! I'm not even going to get into that because of the population of women who haven't yet given birth. Good news though, if you have them they do tend to decrease in size after menopause. High five! I might sound bitter but I promise I'm not. I am, however, very angry.

I think because they are mostly a benign tumor there aren't many studies about uterine fibroids. If it affects so many women why isn't there a significant amount of study? I guess women will have to start dying a lot from it for it to become important but I digress.

Ignorance is bliss. It really is. Because you believe that what you don't know can't possibly hurt you. Well in my case, not so much. That silly saying we learned in school, you know the one. Knowledge is power. Well, come to find out it's not a silly saying. Only issue is that knowledge is often gained by trial and error. At least in my case it proved to be such for me and the doctors who treated me prior to January 18, 2016. They will never know what their lack of knowledge did to me but I don't blame them. Not one bit. Because the doctors who began treating me on January 18, 2016 had no idea that this could happen either.

I know it's their job to know but they're human and so I personally can't fault them for not knowing. My doctors say I am a "unique" case. That stuff like this just doesn't happen. Fibroids don't do this. In fact, even when the ultrasound of my abdomen proved the truth one of the gynecologist said to me, "Listen, tell them to do more tests. They can't possibly think that your fibroids caused your DVT". Well, I proved them and her wrong, unfortunately.

The ultrasound of my abdomen proved that my fibroids had gotten so big that my uterus began to shift. It shifted so much that it was able to compress a vein which resulted in the DVT (deep vein thrombosis). Riddle me this. I got a DVT, not even in the normal way one gets it and fibroids that are usually not life threatening had gotten so big that I was now fighting for my life.

You're probably wondering so I'll tell you. Yes, my belly was bigger but not so much to cause me too much alarm. My thought frame was that this happened to many women and was not a serious health concern. I mean, I watched my mother lose her battle to cancer. My issue was not serious. I also thought that it was age weight and my love for certain foods that contributed to a little belly growth. Also, when you're getting bigger over the years, you sometimes don't realize or see it right away, so that could have been it too. Again, ignorance is bliss. I told Sean that I wish I were vain because I believe if I were I would have requested the fibroids be removed years ago. I mean, why didn't I want a flat belly?!!

Since this is getting long, I'll stop here and continue again shortly.

Words of advice: If your doctor tells you something you do not agree with or like seek a second, third or even more opinions from other medical professionals. In the end, if the majority of doctors are saying the same thing it is very likely it is what they are saying. Your body knows when something is wrong. It speaks to you. Not being healthy is scary so often times we would rather avoid or ignore the signs. If you know something is wrong, if you feel something is wrong, it usually is. Don't wait because sometimes the time we were given to help combat a medical diagnosis runs out.

Beginning.

Began writing on 2/13/2016:

How do I begin this post? I almost want to laugh about it all but I'm in unbearable pain right now. Physical pain. So any laughter that I may want to do is ill advised. On a quiet, relaxing Sunday (1/17/2016) I began to have a small pain to the back of my leg. Felt like I pulled a muscle, not a major deal. Or so it seemed. I woke up Monday morning to the same feeling but again was not alarmed. I work out regularly so this often happened to me. I remember telling myself that day that I wouldn't go to the gym just to avoid aggravating it any further. That line alone makes me almost laugh.

Around 12:30pm, that Monday afternoon, I felt my upper left thigh begin to expand and so I looked down and I could almost see it happening. I stood up quickly, maybe too quickly, and pulled the top part of my grey pants to sort of compare both of my legs. Sure enough, the comparison alarmed me so I walked over to my boss to explain the situation and told her that I had to leave because I needed to go to the Emergency Room. She got this worried look on her face and all this mumbo, jumbo began to leave her lips which I could not hear because suddenly I was swept into an unbearable amount of pain. My left leg swelled from top to bottom and I could not walk without assistance. My left leg became so heavy that I had to basically drag it in order to walk.

My co-workers at this time are freaking out and I'm stubborn (bad trait) and tell them to just help me to my car. I had already called Sean who had just arrived to work ten minutes prior. Sean works in New Jersey which is about an hour away from where we live; so when he left work he was still an hour away, unfortunately. I decide that instead of going straight to the hospital I would go home and wait for Sean. I will admit that being in that much pain did not really help my decision making skills. In fact my pain and stubbornness may have deeply altered any proper decision that I would have made. But that's neither here nor there at this point.

I chose to drive myself home (took 30 minutes) in excruciating pain. I still want to punch myself in the face for driving home in that state; even though at the time I did not realize how serious it was. It was such a bad decision. How I was able to drive on the road, get out my car door, walk to my house door and climb my stairs on my own is mind boggling. When I finally got into my bedroom, I threw myself on the bed and waited over an hour for Sean to get home. It felt like the longest wait of my life.

When Sean finally got home he was in shock because of how big my left leg had gotten and the fact that I could not lift or move my leg. It was dead weight. He had to pick me up and couldn't see the last few steps at the bottom and we almost had a fall. Sean was able to break the fall and we made it out the house into the bitter cold. When we got to the Emergency Room, Sean quickly got me a wheelchair and I was admitted.

The doctors asked so many questions (they drew blood, took an ultrasound of my left leg and a urine sample) and I was later advised, DVT (deep vein thrombosis). It was surprising to the ER doctor considering my age and medical history so he began to ask me every and anything regarding my medical history. Did I have anything to share that they did not know? I advised that I had pneumonia 3 years ago and was diagnosed with uterine fibroids in 2007.

I'm going to stop here because this post is getting rather long (and I feel sick remembering this all) but hopefully I'll be able to help anyone in my position (now and maybe not yet) be able to handle what I'm trying to gracefully handle right now. To help make you make some hard decisions that you may not want to make but to help you know that they are often the right ones to make. Because it's so hard to say, I wish I knew what I know now. Oh how I wish.

-----------------

FYI: This was such a hard post to make and I had to stop 9 times because my chest would tighten and I would feel like I could not breathe. I had to go to a different room and take so many deep breaths just to calm myself down. It's crazy how 2 months can change everything. Change how you view life and yourself. I have never (not even with my mom's recent death) felt the way I have felt the last two months and I've never been so afraid. You tell yourself that it is right to be brave, to fake a smile, but truly it isn't. I have learned that faking it till you make it is bull. That it means nothing when you're literally fighting for your life. The feelings, the emotions. They are just so real that those sayings don't mean anything when you're going through literally the toughest time of your life. I've learned that I'm not as brave as I thought I was but I am much stronger (physically and mentally) than I ever thought I was.

When I'm ready, I'll return with another post but please know that I am so, so grateful to every single one of you who has sent well wishes my way. I will never truly know how much they helped me in my time of need but know that I know that the strength that I gained the last two months did not only come from me. Thank you! ♥

Date Nights do Matter.

With everything going on Sean and I decided that we needed a date night and we needed it bad. We needed a timeout to make nothing matter but the two of us. We take our date nights rather seriously whether it's to a movie, dinner, staying in for a home cooked meal, watching a couple of movies through Redbox or on Netflix. Whatever really. It's something we both really enjoy so we try to make a point to have date nights often.

At first, with everything going on we decided it wasn't important in the grand scheme of things. We realized quickly how very silly that was of us. It IS important. Working on and being in this relationship is important to us. And so we went out to Melt even though we told ourselves that we'll only go for celebrations since it isn't the type of place one goes to on the regular, at least ones like us. Read it isn't exactly cheap.

The thing is that although it didn't feel like we were celebrating, we in fact were.

We are celebrating this life that keeps us on our toes. This life that can have you in smiles and hyperventilating tears in matter of minutes. This life that you never know what's coming but you pray that it'll be good. But also taking comfort in knowing that if it isn't good, God handed it to you because he knew you would handle it like a boss. This thing we call life is a celebration. So we proceeded to have the most fun on this night, more fun than any date night we've had to date. It was just different because things are different. And although I've shed quite a few tears in the last few weeks, I've also had moments of hope and joy because I realize that no matter what cards we're dealt, we're alive and that is a gift in itself.

The 4th continued.

Please pray for both my family and Sean's family. We're going through such a trying time and our families need all the prayers they can get. I'm still baffled with everything going on around me. Attempting to be strong, having faith and being prayerful. There is a lot of God, please, please!

But I also find myself in uncontrollable tears that hits me at random times. I usually hope it is when I'm with Sean that way I don't have to explain myself. Even as I write this post I can't stop the tears, it's just a hard time.

My blog interaction and my blogging is going to take a big hit at this time but I don't want to stop altogether as blogging is special to me and a true outlet. But you'll see less of me until I feel that I am in a place where my thoughts are not overshadowed by all that's happening around me.

I want to stay thank you for the prayers, friendships and support, they mean so much to me.
♥

When I last blogged, I shared part of our 4th of July.
Here's the remaining pictures that I still want to document on this blog.
I hope that you all have wonderful weeks.

Scenes from the 4th.

Last week, Sean and I were given news that shook our cores. I was told while at work and I completely broke down at my desk. It is a hard pill to swallow but we're looking up and praying and knowing that we serve an awesome God and He can do all things. Although, I'm not yet ready to share the news, this weekend really made it easy to see just how much we have to be grateful for.

Every year that I've been with Sean (minus one year), I've celebrated the 4th with my in-laws. This year, Sean reached out to a lot of his family members and a few friends and invited them to our 4th of July celebration. Growing up, since my parents are from Ghana we didn't have extended family gatherings. It was just me, my parents and my sisters. And now, it's just so amazing to me to have nieces and nephews who call me Auntie. To see all the cousins just hanging out and having the best time together made me thrilled. My sister, Priscilla, use to live in Albany so she would often attend a lot of these gatherings with me but when she moved it stopped. Sean invited her (and up to the day before I still wasn't sure she was going to come) and I was so, so happy when her car pulled up to our campsite. Best feeling ever!

The day was just perfect and I believe it is because family gatherings make me the happiest. And I often want to freeze certain moments which is why I believe I take as many pictures as I do. I want to remember every detail, every moment and when I look back at the pictures I can remember the feelings that day. I took too many pictures (no surprise there!) so I'm thinking I'll break down this post into two just not to overwhelm you all.

I pray and thank God for my family by blood and my family by marriage, every single day.

♥

We drove to my in-laws Thursday after work and that drive was pretty scary.
The storm was insane and we couldn't even see while we drove.
When it finally began to clear, the sun and then a rainbow greeted us.





My in-laws were suppose to stay at the campsite Thursday evening but because of the storm, electricity was knocked out
and basically the campsite was a muddy mess.

So we headed to the campsite Friday at 10am in hopes that the campsite was not a disaster.
A little muddy (oh and still no electricity!) but nothing we could not handle and it turned out to be a beautiful day.







I attempted to be all festive with my cake baking. I did two vanilla layers and in the middle I placed red frosting. Well, the red frosting spilled over onto the bottom layer and I ended up having pink frosting. #FAIL! Oh and then on the drive over the cake toppled over (in its container) and I was sure that it was a sign that we shouldn't have my cake. Well, in the end it didn't look that bad (just some frosting missing on top) and tasted great.




The campsite is absolutely stunning.
As you will see, I could not stop taking pictures of the view.
















Yes, I agree.
It's time to start adding some pictures of my niece and nephews.



























My sister and nephew are here!
Not sure why he looks so "thrilled" here.
And then so excited.



My sister calls him dramatical.
He so is!






OK, I'll stop here.
I agree that it is a bit much.

I hope that you all enjoyed the long holiday!
♥