August 8th

August 8th marked 5 years that my mom has been gone.

5 years. Half a decade.

Sometimes it feels like she has been gone for so long and some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Each day brings its own new set of challenges to be honest. Especially now when everything seems so out of control. She was always able to bring me back down. The best listener I've ever known. So although I am not crying every time I think of her these days, it still is incredibly hard because I need her. There is no one like a good mother; no one.

I tried to make sure that I had a few things to look forward to on the day that way it would hurt less if that makes any sense. Earlier this year, my sisters and I were happy to see that my mom's birthday and August 8th fell on a Saturday because it meant that we could all be together on both days. Well, COVID-19 (2020 to be honest) had other plans and with the precautions my family and I are taking that wasn't going to happen.

So, Sean and I decided to drive to see my mom, drop off some beautiful flowers, let her know how much she is missed and loved and then prepare a nice dinner for Sean and myself. Kinda off topic but it was actually the first time that I did not cry to and from her grave. My mom loved to cook, her favorite place was in the kitchen (she would kick us out when we were younger because it was her me time) and I thought preparing a nice dinner would be one way to feel close to her on that day.

I shared this post on Instagram and felt the need to share it here too.

My mom's favorite place use to be in the kitchen and it makes me cringe how often I would tease her for that. "Dad can cook his own food", I'd say. That was my attempt to convince my mom that she did not actually enjoy being in the kitchen and was just conforming to traditional gender norms. Little did I know that as I'd get older it would become my favorite place too. Being in the kitchen, deciding what new recipe to try, chopping vegetables or hearing that sizzle ... it all has become therapeutic to me. Today marks five years that she's been gone but I love that cooking is another way I feel closer to her; a way to keep our connection alive.

If only I could tell her I understand it now; if only.

Family day at Bowlmor Lanes

Last week was pretty difficult for me as it marked three years since my mom passed away. Some days it feels like she has been gone for so long and then some days like it just happened yesterday. This year hit me hard and I believe that it is because with each year that passes it becomes more real that she is gone. And with each year that passes I become more aware of how much she has missed since she's been gone and then my heart breaks even more. When does it get easier? Does it get easier?

Two Saturdays ago, my family and I got together to honor our amazing mom. We know that she would want us laughing, smiling and enjoying each other’s company. We first planned on having a beach day but with the many thunderstorms we’ve been having in the last few weeks we had to ditch those plans and settle for bowling instead. It wasn't really settling though because we really enjoy a competitive game of bowling. We went to Bowlmor Lanes and it was the fanciest bowling alley I've ever been to!

It was a good time although there were still moments when I would feel bursts of sadness but I find that is how the month of August is now. August 8th will always be one of the worst, if not the worst, days of my life. It is the day I lost my amazing mom and every single day I just wish that she was still here. Here are a ton of pictures from several weekends ago.

Always on the road.



Wore purple lips as my mom's favorite color was purple.



Although we live the farthest away, Sean and I always tend to get to each place the earliest.
We checked out the little farm stand right next door while we wanted for my family to arrive.





There was a red car that my niece and nephews were so excited to get in!
It was dingy and torn up inside but they did not notice that at all, ha.







My brother in law painted my niece's face and he did such a great job!



Time to bowl!









I beat everyone and that NEVER happens, haha!
I thought it was pretty incredible how it was purple inside the bowling alley.





SO happy with my many strikes that day.



My sister was on the bowling team in high school but kept on getting gutters, hahaha.






Auntie and nephew dancing ♥



Brother in law and niece dancing ♥



Brother in law and sister dancing.
Appears there was a lot of dancing that day :)



Silly faces :)



Deep conversations



Love my niece and nephew!





Stuffing my pie-hole with French fries





LOVE my sisters! ♥





Love of my life.

The thing is that any joy I feel during this time is because of my mom as she is responsible for creating my incredible family. I will forever be grateful to her for them. I love and miss you so much mom and wish every single day that you were still with us.