August 8th

August 8th marked 5 years that my mom has been gone.

5 years. Half a decade.

Sometimes it feels like she has been gone for so long and some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Each day brings its own new set of challenges to be honest. Especially now when everything seems so out of control. She was always able to bring me back down. The best listener I've ever known. So although I am not crying every time I think of her these days, it still is incredibly hard because I need her. There is no one like a good mother; no one.

I tried to make sure that I had a few things to look forward to on the day that way it would hurt less if that makes any sense. Earlier this year, my sisters and I were happy to see that my mom's birthday and August 8th fell on a Saturday because it meant that we could all be together on both days. Well, COVID-19 (2020 to be honest) had other plans and with the precautions my family and I are taking that wasn't going to happen.

So, Sean and I decided to drive to see my mom, drop off some beautiful flowers, let her know how much she is missed and loved and then prepare a nice dinner for Sean and myself. Kinda off topic but it was actually the first time that I did not cry to and from her grave. My mom loved to cook, her favorite place was in the kitchen (she would kick us out when we were younger because it was her me time) and I thought preparing a nice dinner would be one way to feel close to her on that day.

I shared this post on Instagram and felt the need to share it here too.

My mom's favorite place use to be in the kitchen and it makes me cringe how often I would tease her for that. "Dad can cook his own food", I'd say. That was my attempt to convince my mom that she did not actually enjoy being in the kitchen and was just conforming to traditional gender norms. Little did I know that as I'd get older it would become my favorite place too. Being in the kitchen, deciding what new recipe to try, chopping vegetables or hearing that sizzle ... it all has become therapeutic to me. Today marks five years that she's been gone but I love that cooking is another way I feel closer to her; a way to keep our connection alive.

If only I could tell her I understand it now; if only.

Happy Birthday Mom ♥

This is your third birthday that I’ve had to go without you. Today, I feel a multiple of emotions. I’m still at the stage where the main emotion is sadness. I’m sad that I don’t get to celebrate this day with you. I’m sad that I can’t tell you how happy I am that you got another year added to your life. I’m just so sad that today is now just another reminder that you are no longer here. But mom, I hope that somehow you can see how we’re doing. I hope that you can see that on the days that your absence is the hardest that we have each other, a family that you created to keep our hearts together on the hardest days. How grateful I am to you that you chose dad and that you brought my sisters into the world that way when the days are too hard to manage on my own, I have them to lean on for support. I hope that you can see that our relationships are stronger, that our love for one another is stronger. I hope that you can see your grandkids that have the same big smile as you do. Telling you that I miss you is an understatement. It is more than that. I feel it in every fiber of my being. Moments when tears fall down my face when I could have sworn that I wasn’t even sad. My being misses you; craves your hug, your voice and your love. Mom, you were loved. You are loved. And today, I wish you a happy birthday and get comfort thinking that you’re blowing out candles on your favorite cake flavor up in heaven.

Tidbits about my mom ♥

I have this irrational fear that as the more time passes, I’ll begin to forget things my mom did, said, her gestures and how big her smile was. If it weren’t for saved voicemails, I believe I’d forgotten her soft but firm voice.

It has become a bit of a ritual that every night before bed, I lay in bed and try to remember little things about my mom to keep her fresh and alive in my mind.

Whenever my mom called me, she’d ask me, “How is my boy?” The boy she was referring to was Sean.

Whenever I would ask my mom, “What’s up?” she would reply, “The sky”.

My mom was such a great listener that when we spoke on the phone, I often thought that our call had dropped because she was so quiet. And when I would ask, “Hey mom, you there?” she would reply, “I’m here, just listening”. It wasn’t that she was quiet, it was that she was intently listening to everything you had to say.

When I would gain weight, my mom would say, “You’ve been eating the junks”. And it always was with an “s” on purpose to let me know, she knew I was eating more than one type of junk. Hahaha.

Every time we got off the phone she’d pray over me. Every single time.

She was such an amazing cook and I truly believe it is why my sisters and I love to cook so much. I particularly miss her fufu with peanut soup and her kenkey and shito so, so much.

My mom would always say, “Don’t broadcast all the good you’ve done for praise, as some things ought to be kept between you and God". This is why at her go-away I was a little shocked of the massive amount of stories that people shared. I was aware of the incredible person she was but to actually hear the stories from so many people my mom personally helped … well, it just inspired me. She gave so much of herself and lived a life that I hope that one day I can say mirrored hers.

There’s so much more but I’ll hold off until another time. Man, I miss my mom.

One Year.

Mom, today marks one year that you passed away and I can no longer pretend that you’ve traveled somewhere far and that long distance phone calls are just too expensive. I’ve always known that I needed you but I just did not realize how much. I had no idea how much I relied on you for so many things. Mostly for peace of mind. You just had this way about you, that you could say the right things (even if I didn’t want to hear it) at all times. You have no idea how much I’ve needed our talks and your sound advice.

I am still working on not dwelling on your last few years. Every time I think of you I tear up and start to cry because all I can see is you disappearing right before my eyes. It isn’t easy seeing the person you love most in the world change so drastically. You were so independent and strong and then you weren’t. You hated it more than anything to have your independence taken from you and that hurt me so much. I watched your hair fall out, your eyesight begin to diminish, your pain and the struggle it was to swallow your food. It is no wonder that whenever I would think of you I would cry.

I think it was about a month ago, Emma sent me a candid picture of you from years ago and you were cooking in the kitchen in your headscarf and you had the biggest smile on your face. And that was exactly what I needed to remind myself that you weren’t always sick. And the picture brought back so many happy memories to healthier times.

I remember when you would kick us out the kitchen. This was your place and you made it known. It was a special day when you would allow any of us to help you in the kitchen. And it’s no surprise that all four of us love to cook. Growing up we saw that cooking wasn’t a horrible chore to you. You loved it, so now we do. Funny how that works.

I remember when you asked Sean if he was with me because he loved me or because he just wanted to see how it was like to be with a black girl. You were so serious and the expression on Sean’s face was the best. I remember laughing so hard that I had to hold my stomach. The way you loved & accepted him makes my heart the happiest. I miss it so much talking to you on the phone and you asking to speak to “your boy”. The boy being Sean.

I remember when we use to go to the doctor’s office and we would get a shot you could never watch because it pained you to see us get a needle. Our pain was your pain.

I remember when I got a relaxer and you were not OK with it. And you looked at me and said well, if that is what you want. To this day, I wish I could go back in time and wipe the disappointed look on your face. In the end, I’m so glad that you were able to see me embrace my natural hair.

I love the way you called me a jewel. I love the way every time we spoke on the phone we ended in prayer. I miss your cooking; so, so much. Even when I follow your “recipe” to the exact it never turns out the same. I know why, because you never measured. You just threw things in and created masterpieces.

Today, I’m trying to think of the happy memories and not the way you were taken from us. It’s a lot easier said than done but I’m trying. I really am. So much has happened in the year that you’ve been gone and it breaks my heart that life continues to go on without you. I don’t know when the pain is going to stop. Some tell me time will do that, and some tell me it never will. I’m with the latter because I really can’t imagine when I will ever be OK with you not being here but the thought of you in angel form, no longer in pain …. Well that makes it more bearable.

I love you mom. Until we meet again.

Hard.

With Thanksgiving just a few days away it’s hard for me not to get emotional. Every year, a few days before Thanksgiving, I would call my mom to tell her how excited I was to see her in a few days. It’s so hard to know that I will not be making that phone call this year. I get moments of extreme sadness when it dawns on me again that she isn’t here. It’s hard.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while you’ll know that Thanksgiving is a pretty big deal in my family. We always make sure to be together, cook together, enjoy the entire day together. I can’t believe that one of the parts that make that day complete won’t be sitting around the table to tell us how thankful she is for her family.

A few years back, my mom gave me her turkey recipe and I’ve been making it ever since. I’m so thankful I was able to get her recipe before she left. I know it’s going to be a bittersweet day and I’m feeling a little anxious that I’ll be overly emotional especially since Sean has to work that day.

But I know that my mom would be happy to see that the tradition will still go strong in our family. I know that I don’t really need to tell anyone this; but hug your families so tight and remind them every day how much you love them. Because if someone told me last year that my mom would not be sitting at the dining table this year, I would not have believed them.

One month without mom.

Today marks one month without my mom.

I still can't believe she is no longer here but some days are better than others.
I do notice that if I am busy I am much better versus when I'm sitting still with my thoughts.

It's crazy because it feels like my world has stopped but everyone else is moving and I'm stuck on that date.
I can't stop thinking about that heartbreaking day.

But I can already tell that it will get easier with time because I have my lovely sisters, all who have something (look, character, gesture) of my mom that just make me appreciate them more. It has been important for us to check up on each other daily because one day one of us could be doing OK and that same day another one was in tears for hours.

Also, being there for my dad has been important because he lost his best friend and it has not been easy on him. To be honest, it has most likely been the worst for him. Family is so important and if it were possible I love them more today than one month ago and nowadays it has been even more important to say it often.

Life is continuing to go on so we have to move as well but one thing will remain constant for us is that we will keep our mom in our hearts and thoughts for always. I didn't think I could do it but I was able to go one month without my mom.

But I heard her voice because I kept so many of her voice messages that she left me over the years. Birthday, anniversary, Christmas messages and I know they will be so important to have in the next few months. I won't lie and say that listening to her voice messages did not result in me crying my eyes out but for those moments she was there and that's priceless to me.





Mom, we love and miss you and know you're having an incredible time dancing with Jesus ♥

Hard Lessons.

When I sit down to blog today it is hard to figure out where to start. So I first want to say thank you so much for the outpouring of love that has been shared in the last two weeks. It has been deeply felt and I'm amazed how so many of you I've never met (and most likely will never meet) are able to care and send prayers, scriptures, condolences, etc. You care and that means so much.



Yesterday marked two weeks since my mom passed away and I would like to say that I'm no longer going through denial and that it is getting easier. It is strange because at some points in the day you feel happiness and you catch yourself smiling and then it is like, bam, you remember your mom is gone and those minutes of happiness are replaced with hyperventilating tears.

The emotions are so crazy and you just wonder when you'll feel OK to smile without feeling guilt.
I know that it's OK because everyone is telling me so but I wonder when I'll feel OK to just go on with life.

I know I have no choice but to move forward without my mom in my life. That choice was made for me.

The next time I blog I will just start right where I left off. Not because I won't be thinking about my mom but because I know that I can't dwell on her death but should marinate on the amazing life she led. I know there will be days when I will have a desire to write about my mom whether I am feeling happiness about a memory or sadness because she is no longer here. I know that is my right so I will continue to keep her memory alive on my blog because she will always be so alive to me.

These pictures are the last pictures my mom and I took together. May 9th 2015.

On this day, I noticed that she was growing back hair that she had lost during chemotherapy.
She was in high spirits and that smile of hers could not be denied.

Shortly after this, we were told that there was nothing medically that could be done and my mom began to experience extreme pain and lost of her eye sight.

She, however, did not lose hope and even in her pain she would always ask how I was doing. I remember one day I was experiencing cramps and I was foolish enough to mention it and she still felt for me and placed her hand on my stomach and prayed for my pain to go away. These are the memories that I will always treasure and will keep in my heart for always.

But, how?

Just how does one move on from the death of a person you've loved all your life? The first person you loved? I have a feeling that this is one lesson that is going to be so hard to learn from. I do not want to know the lesson, nor do I want to learn from it.

I just want her here.

August 8th.

Although, everyone is aware that death is a part of life and that we all will die, it does not make it hurt any less.

When we learned my mom had cancer last July we had hope that she was going to beat it. That God was going to heal her. On August 8th, we had no choice but to accept that God needed her more. It hurts that He did not find it fit for her to stay a little longer with us. I want her with us so badly it hurts every part of my body.

It is hard to come to terms that she is no longer with us.
My mom, my favorite lady in the entire world is no longer here.
That hurts so much.

She was not only incredible to her family but to so many people. At her funeral it was no surprise that there were over 500 people who came to pay their respects. In fact, our funeral director said that he had never seen as many people at the cemetery as he had on Friday. But everyone wanted to thank my mom for what she had done in their lives.

Although I was aware that my mom had made an impact on so many lives, I really didn't know to the extent until the many stories were shared. Honestly, I was not surprised by what I heard but I was blown away. My mom made a difference not only in her children and husband's life but so many others. There was not a dry eye in the house when it was time to say goodbye to my mom. People truly cried and at some points I felt that I needed to comfort others through my own gut-wrenching tears.

But my mom's favorite song was "It Is Well With My Soul" and it truly was. Her body failed her but her soul was in tact so when that song was played and sung I felt like my mom was telling us all to stop crying and rejoice that she was finally where she worked all her life to get to. People commented that my mom had a smile on her face and guys, no lie, she did. She was at peace to finally be able to meet her maker.

Although she leaves many sad hearts behind she leaves such a big legacy that I truly hope that I can be a part of.

My mom was not only a mother & wife but she was a counselor, an encourager, a prayerful woman, lover of all people, teacher, pastor, best cook, dancer and so much more that I'll be here all day if I decided to list it all.

I know that as each day goes on it will become easier and thoughts of my mom won't evoke sadness and tears. I know that one day I'll be able to think of her with the biggest smile on my face and appreciate that although I had her for such a short time, I was so blessed to have her. I had her and I'm so, so grateful.

Mom, I love you and my goal in life is to make you so proud. I want you to know that I am happy you are no longer in pain but that I miss you so, so much. I miss the phone calls, the I love yous and your calming presence. I miss your smile, you had the best smile.

But I'll see that smile when we meet again.

--------------------------

"It Is Well"

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

She's gone.

She's gone.

My mom is gone and I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

My mother.

The day these pictures were taken continue to be one of my most favorite days.

I know that many of you are probably wondering how my mom is doing. It is not that I don't want to share, it's more for the fact that I must stay hopeful, full of faith and positive because in the eyes of a person who doesn't believe in miracles or that God can do the impossible, things don't look too good.

My mom has bone cancer as I shared a few months back. It's a very rare form of cancer and all the treatment my mom has received is experimental. The doctors have no idea what to do and the doctor's don't know how to treat the type of cancer she has. To be honest, it is scary for all of us but at this time all we can do is pray because everything else is truly out of our control. Whenever anyone ask what it is I need, I always reply with more prayers for my mom. I'm so grateful that we have an army of people praying for my mom every single day.

She was receiving chemotherapy but unfortunately the cancer continued to spread and grow. It is now in her esophagus as well as in her lungs, my mom who never smoked a day in her life. Life is unfair that way but I'm old enough to know that life never promised to be fair. My mom's doctors decided to change her treatment to the pill form. These pills are extremely expensive and the side effects are way too many to list. My mom was coughing up blood the second day of this new treatment. The doctors advised that, that's a side effect. It was a scary side effect to see. All I could do was rub my mom's back and comfort her.

But my mom is so strong. Such a woman of faith and I'm so proud that she's my mom. My mom was laying in bed so I went to lay besides her and we began to talk and she said something that struck a cord within me. She said, "Ruthfaith, I thank God because if it were not for this experience I never would have known the pain and hardship one goes through when they get cancer. Now I can relate and I thank God for that". It moved me because not only has she gotten cancer but she has also lost her leg due to this cancer. It moved me because I would love to live my life that way. To see my life change so drastically but still be able to say something like that. To be able to thank God for teaching me rather than being angry with God.

I do not know what the future holds. I do not know what next year's Mother's Day will look like but my mom is here right now and continuing to teach me the type of woman I want to be and I'm so incredibly grateful that she has been my teacher for my entire life.



Happy Mother's Day to the woman who has shown me what it really means to be a mother.
I love you more than you'll ever, ever know.

.........

Written on 8/25/2014 but I could not hit publish.

One month ago, I’m sitting at my desk excited that in 30 minutes I’ll be able to leave my desk for an hour for lunch. I hadn’t brought lunch so I spent a great deal of time thinking of all the lunch possibilities. 15 minutes later, I get a phone call. I knew Sean’s mom was going to the doctors because she has MS and diabetes so I did not think much of it. The news that came from Sean’s mouth knocked the breath out of me “Mom has stage 3 colon cancer”. I did my very best to comfort Sean tell him that everything was going to be OK but as soon as I hung up I broke down.

Unfortunately, this was also lunch time, when Margaret and I would leave together for lunch. When she got to my desk I was a hot, blubbering mess. Needless to say, I didn’t go out for lunch that day, I could not think. I spent my time talking with Sean on the phone inside my car.

Two days later, I’m at my desk again and this time it’s a text from my little sister advising me that my mom passed out and they are taking her to the ER. Of course, I was confused but I’m miles away (negative for living in another state) but she told me she would keep me updated.

Couple days later, I’m informed that my mom has a tumor on her leg and that there is no treatment that can be done to save her leg and that her leg had to be amputated. Guys, I’m trying to write this post as “matter of fact” as possible but the emotions that emerged are nothing I’ve ever felt before. My mom? The healthiest person I know. It was just all too much but then I realized that if I felt this way, how was my mom feeling? I felt bad that when I saw her she was comforting me. I couldn’t be strong and was just crying. The leg that I would stroke when she did my hair was going to be taken. This wasn’t happening, just a horrible dream that I was eventually going to wake up from. My mom is fine. She is fine.

But my mom’s leg is gone. And our prayers that the cancer has been cut off from my mom’s body are not answered. There are spots in her lungs. Numerous number of small spots so surgery cannot be performed. She has stage 4 lung cancer. She has never smoked a day in her life. She has the rare cancer. The sarcoma cancer. The cancer that has no treatment. The cancer that my mom has will not only need chemotherapy but also experimental drugs because there hasn't been enough studies on this type of rare cancer and the doctors don't know how to beat it.

I am a woman of faith but I’m also very afraid. But I’m also sad because those scary thoughts that keep coming up refuses to leave. The thoughts of thinking that at any time our precious moms can be taken from us due to cancer. I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. I know what I need to do, I know how I need to act but it’s not happening. I don’t know and not knowing is the scariest part.

Even if you do not believe there’s a God, just say a simple prayer for our moms. I completely believe that if God hears from people who don’t believe in Him, on our mom’s behalf, a miracle is bound to happen because at this point that is what we need.

Today:

I read that post and although it was written almost 5 months ago, I feel the same way. Things have continued to get scary. Sean’s mom has been hospitalized four times since that time, two times because her kidneys were failing and so were her other organs. Her doctor advised us that if she had waited 10 minutes before calling 911 she would have died from cardiac arrest. She is still in the hospital being monitored.

And my mom. Her nurse came to the house to help with home PT for my mom’s leg and she looked at it and said that my mom needed to go to the hospital as soon as possible because it looked like a blood clot. And her nurse was right. She had a massive blood clot in her leg and could have suffered a heart attack. They gave her blood thinners but for some reason they were not working so the doctor advised that she was going to need emergency surgery. Prayers were lifted. And then the doctor came back and told my mom that all of a sudden the medications were working so they were going to hold off on the surgery and continue to monitor her. She is still in the hospital being monitored.

The thing is that I find those two moments miracles. Because prayers are being answered. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way but for the nurse to come to my mom’s house that day and look at her leg and know right away there was a problem. Well, talk about God’s timing. And my mother in law, if she had waited a few minutes and not gotten to the ER when she did she would have been taken from us. We’re asking for the big miracles. You know, for the cancers to disappear. For our moms to make it against the odds. But those moments show that God is working on our behalves. That He hears our cries and prayers. And although, I get moments of small faith and I am screaming and crying and freaking out, I know that at the end of the day, we’re here. We’re alive and that is a miracle.