Monday, August 31, 2015

The Everyday.

When most of your thoughts are consumed with sadness, fear and hope it gets harder to appreciate the small things.
I wanted to and continued to tell myself to but it doesn't exactly translate that way.

The things that would usually bring a smile to my face, well, it didn't come as easy and forget about the smiles that actually reached my eyes. They were even harder to come by.

I began to not see the good in everyday life and was just moving with the motions, waiting for the storm that I knew would come.

I told myself a while ago to take a picture of the everyday that made me happy, kind of a reminder that life is still good. And it is.

- Natural light streaming into our sitting room.

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- Making breakfast on a Saturday morning.

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- Road trips with Sean.

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- The furbabies seeking the sunlight.

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- Making simple dinners.

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- Watching Fella hang out at his favorite place, the window.

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- Randomly finding cute places to have breakfast.

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- Evening barbeques on the deck.

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- Scary Fella (he was yawning).

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- A rainbow after a really hard day.

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Sunday, August 23, 2015

Hard Lessons.

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When I sit down to blog today it is hard to figure out where to start. So I first want to say thank you so much for the outpouring of love that has been shared in the last two weeks. It has been deeply felt and I'm amazed how so many of you I've never met (and most likely will never meet) are able to care and send prayers, scriptures, condolences, etc. You care and that means so much.

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Yesterday marked two weeks since my mom passed away and I would like to say that I'm no longer going through denial and that it is getting easier. It is strange because at some points in the day you feel happiness and you catch yourself smiling and then it is like, bam, you remember your mom is gone and those minutes of happiness are replaced with hyperventilating tears.

The emotions are so crazy and you just wonder when you'll feel OK to smile without feeling guilt.
I know that it's OK because everyone is telling me so but I wonder when I'll feel OK to just go on with life.

I know I have no choice but to move forward without my mom in my life. That choice was made for me.

The next time I blog I will just start right where I left off. Not because I won't be thinking about my mom but because I know that I can't dwell on her death but should marinate on the amazing life she led. I know there will be days when I will have a desire to write about my mom whether I am feeling happiness about a memory or sadness because she is no longer here. I know that is my right so I will continue to keep her memory alive on my blog because she will always be so alive to me.

These pictures are the last pictures my mom and I took together. May 9th 2015.

On this day, I noticed that she was growing back hair that she had lost during chemotherapy.
She was in high spirits and that smile of hers could not be denied.

Shortly after this, we were told that there was nothing medically that could be done and my mom began to experience extreme pain and lost of her eye sight.

She, however, did not lose hope and even in her pain she would always ask how I was doing. I remember one day I was experiencing cramps and I was foolish enough to mention it and she still felt for me and placed her hand on my stomach and prayed for my pain to go away. These are the memories that I will always treasure and will keep in my heart for always.

But, how?

Just how does one move on from the death of a person you've loved all your life? The first person you loved? I have a feeling that this is one lesson that is going to be so hard to learn from. I do not want to know the lesson, nor do I want to learn from it.

I just want her here.

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Sunday, August 16, 2015

August 8th.

Although, everyone is aware that death is a part of life and that we all will die, it does not make it hurt any less.

When we learned my mom had cancer last July we had hope that she was going to beat it. That God was going to heal her. On August 8th, we had no choice but to accept that God needed her more. It hurts that He did not find it fit for her to stay a little longer with us. I want her with us so badly it hurts every part of my body.

It is hard to come to terms that she is no longer with us.
My mom, my favorite lady in the entire world is no longer here.
That hurts so much.

She was not only incredible to her family but to so many people. At her funeral it was no surprise that there were over 500 people who came to pay their respects. In fact, our funeral director said that he had never seen as many people at the cemetery as he had on Friday. But everyone wanted to thank my mom for what she had done in their lives.

Although I was aware that my mom had made an impact on so many lives, I really didn't know to the extent until the many stories were shared. Honestly, I was not surprised by what I heard but I was blown away. My mom made a difference not only in her children and husband's life but so many others. There was not a dry eye in the house when it was time to say goodbye to my mom. People truly cried and at some points I felt that I needed to comfort others through my own gut-wrenching tears.

But my mom's favorite song was "It Is Well With My Soul" and it truly was. Her body failed her but her soul was in tact so when that song was played and sung I felt like my mom was telling us all to stop crying and rejoice that she was finally where she worked all her life to get to. People commented that my mom had a smile on her face and guys, no lie, she did. She was at peace to finally be able to meet her maker.

Although she leaves many sad hearts behind she leaves such a big legacy that I truly hope that I can be a part of.

My mom was not only a mother & wife but she was a counselor, an encourager, a prayerful woman, lover of all people, teacher, pastor, best cook, dancer and so much more that I'll be here all day if I decided to list it all.

I know that as each day goes on it will become easier and thoughts of my mom won't evoke sadness and tears. I know that one day I'll be able to think of her with the biggest smile on my face and appreciate that although I had her for such a short time, I was so blessed to have her. I had her and I'm so, so grateful.

Mom, I love you and my goal in life is to make you so proud. I want you to know that I am happy you are no longer in pain but that I miss you so, so much. I miss the phone calls, the I love yous and your calming presence. I miss your smile, you had the best smile.

But I'll see that smile when we meet again.

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"It Is Well"

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

Monday, August 10, 2015

She's gone.

She's gone.

My mom is gone and I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Long Weekend in Myrtle Beach cont'd

One common thing we were told from those who had traveled to Myrtle Beach before was to go to Broadway at the Beach. So being the obedient individuals that we are, we did.

We went at night and had such a fabulous time. It is great for nightlife and does get rather crowded but I think that is part of the fun! We also went after a fun day at the beach and thought it was the perfect place to cool down and view a little more of Myrtle Beach.

It's filled with restaurants, unique shops, and miscellaneous activities that I think everyone of all ages could enjoy. It also surrounds Lake Broadway which I think adds more beauty.

An additional thing we both agreed on was that Myrtle Beach is very family friendly and would be a great place for a family vacation.

Every night there are fireworks (which we missed unfortunately) which is incredibly neat because of my love for fireworks. Besides, any place that thinks nightly fireworks are a must has to be pretty awesome, right?

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I liked this building and proceeded to take several pictures of it. Sean and I enjoyed pointing out everything that was upside down on it. We were told that it's an amusement park for the mind and because we did not really want to use our minds we did not go in.

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There were fishes in the lake that you could feed. Their mouths were opened way wide trying to get any food that was thrown in.

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A blog post here isn't complete without some food pictures.

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Back to the beach, because Myrtle Beach.

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And on our last day we visited the Fair and celebrated National Ice Cream Day #icecreamnotpictured.
On a completely irrelevant note, who comes up with all these daily holidays?
There's a holiday for everything so I'm just waiting for national stilettos day because that's a holiday worth celebrating.

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I hope you're all having a good week so far.
My week hasn't started off the best. In fact, it has been the scariest and saddest time in my life, but I'm hanging in there.