Monday, October 7, 2013

Bucket List - Cry in a Restaurant (CHECK!)

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We're back from Vegas. I'm debating in my mind whether I should recap Vegas or not. I'm debating it because, did you know that someone else's vacation is the most disliked post by readers? This was surprising to me because I LOVE reading others travel/vacation posts. I like them so much that I search for travel posts and even re-read blog friends travel posts. Any who, since I've been to Vegas several times and have posted recaps before it really won't be anything new so ...

I recap for 80 year old Faith so I'll most likely write down a post not to forget anything. Basically it will be a post not published. We shall see. If you follow me on Instagram (midnyteblue13) then you saw a bit of our vacation.

And now I'm going to share something that is slightly embarrassing to me. My blog has been a rather positive one. I love positivity and have always been drawn to people who are. So when I feel that my blog has turned a somewhat different tune it doesn't exactly thrill me. I don't want to complain. I am not a complainer or a negative person by nature because my mantra has always been, "It is what it is. You just have to deal with it. What can you do to make things better?" I was able to share all the positive and happy because life was. I'm not saying that it isn't happy now but it has been different for me the last few months.

I had a phone interview while in Vegas and it is for a position that is right up my alley. I mean, made for me. Yeah, I know it wasn't made for me but I'm telling you it kinda was. Everything about the job description was what I want to do, what I could do and succeed at. Sean said I did amazing (but that's what husbands do, right), but more than that, I thought I did amazing. But I was not contacted for an in person interview and I just felt beaten.

So beaten that at a restaurant I had a bit of a meltdown. Not a tantrum, just tears that would not stop falling down my face. I had to keep wiping my face, Sean had to keep wiping my face because the tears would not stop falling for at least 15 minutes. I feel horrible for anyone who had to witness it especially for Sean. People probably thought he was being an ass to me when it was the complete opposite. I kept on telling myself, what's wrong with you? Just stop it already. Stop feeling bad for yourself. It's not a good look. Look at Sean, you're completely embarrassing him and yourself.

I've been trying to be positive because it's how I am by nature and it's "normal" for me but these feelings are very new. My thoughts are consuming me, so much so, that I ate a fortune cookie with the fortune still inside.

I've only been good with one type of change and that's a change of heart. Besides that I'm not one who likes change or welcomes change easily.

I've always been mindful that in every and anything to give thanks. No matter what, give thanks. It's in those moments that everything could be changing for the best. It's in those moments that God is testing you. Working on your behalf. It may not feel like it but give thanks anyway. And in this moment I have to do it but man it's hard.

I have to accept these feelings and not think that I'm being negative. It's OK for me to feel like a totally different person. I don't have to be 100% positive all the time, I don't have to smile when I want to frown. I can embrace that at this time, at this season, I'm in a different place. I can do that but still say thank you God, you're allowing me to experience something I've never experienced before. You're teaching me that when things settle down that I'll never be short of grateful. I know this is only for a short amount of time. So if for some odd reason tears need to fall at the most inappropriate time I'm embracing it.

I'm embracing not having the answers. I'm embracing the doubt. I'm embracing having to use "Sean's money". I'm embracing not feeling like Faith. It is only but for a season.

My birthday is in a week and it's the first time in many, many years that I don't know what's to come. Granted I never really knew what was to come, but I'm sure you know what I'm saying. Being a person who likes to know everything this is particularly hard. This birthday I'll probably have another meltdown. This birthday, opening cards will most likely result in hyperventilating tears. This birthday is one that I'll most likely remember because I know that my next birthday will begin so much differently than this year.

I hope that soon, very soon, these alien feelings will be a distant memory. But hopefully a memory that I can look back on and say, "Faith, you're such a drama queen. Laugh at yourself."

And in a few months I'll read this post and hope that indeed I am laughing (hell, I'll have Sean join me) that I cried in a restaurant. In front of strangers, in public, and that Sean had to wipe my face. And then after the belly busting laughs I'll most likely curl up into a bowl of mortification.

40 comments:

tomesedition.blogspot.com said...

Don't beat up yourself, something great will come your way, just be patient and things will fall into place. Hope your Vegas trip was awesome regardless.

Discovery Street said...

oh girl i'm so sorry...I can only think it's because there is an even better opportunity thats MORE perfect for you!

Cece said...

It's okay to cry and feel sad. It doesn't make you ungrateful for what you had. It just means you are human and going through a hard time. I totally believe in having my time to be sad and complain and be a grump about something. I need to do that in order to dust myself and get on with. It's part of my process!! Anyhow, sorry about that job. It just wasn't the one for you even if it seemed that way. I hope something else comes along soon. We are so used to defining ourselves with a job and bringing in money. When that changes it has to be a big blow. Hang in there honey. And re cap that darn Vacation. It will make you smile while you are doing it and you need those smiles right about now.

Kathy C. said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! I would have done the same thing. Heck.. I've done it before. In fact, one time was at a wedding (yes...someone's happiest day of their lives and I was shedding non-happy tears at our table) It's totally natural and a sign that you're upset. I can imagine how frustrated you are... but all I can say is pray and hang in there. Sean is an amazing support system. Obviously since he sat there and wiped your tears rather than cover his face or go for "a walk" while you calmed down. :) Change like what you're going through has its ups and downs until things level off and develop a routine. You'll get another killer interview and a callback and win that amazing job that God has in store for you. Just have faith...Faith! xoxo... and {{{Extra Hugs}}}

Kathy C. said...

...and I want to read your Vegas recap because I'm living vicariously through you right now.

Angela K said...

Aw, I'm sorry you had to go through that! I'm so glad Sean was such a good hubby. And it's TOTALLY FINE to be emotional, even break down. That's normal. Especially for a lady that's been through as much change as you have. The unknown is scary. Your ultimately positive attitude and love for life will get you through, but it's ok to be nervous, scared, sad, angry, etc. Sending positive thoughts your way!

Samara Pierce said...

Hey Faith!

Listen...you are HUMAN girl! I think we can all relate! Sometimes we all have our moments of saddness, uncertainty, maybe even stress. This too shall pass! God is always there for us and with us, even if it doesn't feel like it. In those times of uncertainty is when we have to cling even tighter to him and his word! I can understand some of the feelings you may have but know..everything will be alright!!

XOXO

Samara

Jessica Jean-Marie said...

Don't feel bad! Crying is completely normal. And I'm so glad you decided to share this because I love your outlook on it. To embrace the season that you're in & trust that God will only keep you there for a time. Learn as much as you can from these moments in your life. Because what they say is true. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I believe that wholeheartedly. God is preparing you & your heart for something great. Just keep believing that & push through the rough spots.

Jessica Jean-Marie said...

Don't feel bad! Crying is completely normal. And I'm so glad you decided to share this because I love your outlook on it. To embrace the season that you're in & trust that God will only keep you there for a time. Learn as much as you can from these moments in your life. Because what they say is true. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I believe that wholeheartedly. God is preparing you & your heart for something great. Just keep believing that & push through the rough spots.

Jessica Jean-Marie said...

Don't feel bad! Crying is completely normal. And I'm so glad you decided to share this because I love your outlook on it. To embrace the season that you're in & trust that God will only keep you there for a time. Learn as much as you can from these moments in your life. Because what they say is true. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I believe that wholeheartedly. God is preparing you & your heart for something great. Just keep believing that & push through the rough spots.

Jessica Jean-Marie said...

Don't feel bad! Crying is completely normal. And I'm so glad you decided to share this because I love your outlook on it. To embrace the season that you're in & trust that God will only keep you there for a time. Learn as much as you can from these moments in your life. Because what they say is true. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I believe that wholeheartedly. God is preparing you & your heart for something great. Just keep believing that & push through the rough spots.

Emily Gilbert said...

Hey may have initially had an OMG people probably think I beat her moment, but I dare say he was probably more concerned with you, and your feelings. He loves you.

Your whole life changed in a season, its natural to feel the stress that comes with that. Cry when you need to. As far as a job goes, you don't want a job that God doesn't want you to have! I'm sort of with Joel Osteen's motto that God has something better in store.

"that I ate a fortune cookie with the fortune still inside." <--- that made me chuckle.

(((hugs)))

Nylse said...

I like reading vacation recaps; well I like looking at the pics.
Anyhow this has happened to me countless times since moving, but it makes you stronger. You learn to realize everything is not about you and sometimes there are things going on that you have no idea about.
I like your positivity but s$$# happens and sometimes you have to cry. Thank God you have a good support system in Sean and others including your blog community.
You'll be stronger and better for all of this.

redwhitebride said...

I am so sorry... but don't be too hard on yourself. I think it is ok to cry sometimes. There are things that unfortunately are not ours to decide. But the way I see it: if this was not for you, there is another one that's better suited for you.
BTW, I love reading vacation posts!

K&R said...

girl. i love you. you don't know how much i have been struggling with the same things. but its been for almost 2 months i've been struggling. its caused me to have soo many emotions (and i hate having emotions) and i just ya know don't know what to do. however, i know you are a lot stronger and smarter than me, so you can get through this.

i hope you have a great week, and you will find the right job, i know it :)

K

The Pink Growl said...

I'm so sorry you cried love! I hate that when I lose it in public, I always feel so embarrassed! I felt like that a little about my bday this year too...for different reasons, but still similar feeling. Somehow, I ended up being at peace with it. You will too! HUGS! XOXO

YeamieWaffles said...

Sorry to hear that you started crying in the restaurant Faith, to be honest you've always sounded like a model employee and those employers are crazy fools to have turned you down for the in person interviews, quite honestly the joke's on them really. I hope the rest of Vegas was awesome, weird that holiday posts are considered least popular, I've never read a bad one from anybody.

Law_Fal said...

We can be positivity accountability partners. The last few weeks have been very sketchy for me as well. I need to put your mantra in effect and come up with one of my own just to remind myself to stay positive. Heck a meltdown every now and then actually does help keep you sane sometimes ;)

Cashana said...

It is okay to have moments when you feel you have no control. As a person who struggles with change, I also know it is inevitable. One of my favorite quotes is "The only lasting truth i change." Author Ocatavia Butler. It will get better. And I don't care what folks say I love reading vacation posts, it allows me to live vicariously through others.

Kimberly Anne said...

We all have these days...he'll, I feel like I have had about a month of these days lately. :) but, just like you said, in a little while you will be able to look back and smile. Giving you a huge virtual hug! Xo

Ms Accountant said...

No worries kiddo. I have been there and everything works out in the end. There is not right thing to say ....but just know that it is okay to cry...I promise you will laugh later.

Besos.Kisses.
http://lifetalestimesandwine.blogspot.com/

Eesh said...

You know, we all have our down times and it's okay to cry because we're only human...and we women are like, waaaayyy too emotional. So cry today but I promise, you will laugh tomorrow. And hey, if you need a crying buddy I can cry on cue and I'll be happy to shed some tears with you so you don't look all crazy by yourself (that's me trying to bring a little humour. Did ya pick up? No? Darn!)

You may not know what's going to happen or you may not like where you're at in life right now but it's your birthday girl! Another year to be thankful for, another city to explore, another opportunity to make the most amazing friends ever and best of all, you get to spend it all with the man you love...and he is a catch, I'll have you know!

Why don't you wanna smile when you have such a beautiful one? :)

xo
Eesh

Desiree Macke said...

It's so hard to understand what our plan is. Especially when our blueprint seems to have been lost. Good thing God knows what he's doing. :)

"Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness."
-Steve Maraboli

TOI said...

a big hug to you Faith. I really hope you get what you want very soon because you deserve it.

And as you said in a few months you will read this and laugh because you will see what God has in store for you :)

Ashley R said...

I'm so sorry :( That has to be the worst feeling. You should definitely recap Vegas though!! I guess people hate my blog if they hate travel posts! haha- was that from a poll you did??

I'm thinking about you, and hoping the perfect opportunity comes along!! xoxo

Amy said...

I wish I could give you a great big bear hug. Just know that there is something better out there for you. I just know that your next birthday just as you said, you will be in a better, more stable place. Moving is hard, but there is a whole city full of new adventures and the most perfect job ever just waiting for you to discover them!

Meg {henninglove} said...

you two really love vegas i am certain of that!

Life with J and J said...

Awwww...sending hugs your way. It'll be ok. Sean is an awesome hubby. You'll both be fine. I can only imagine how you are feel but I definitely sympathize.
It is their loss and the perfect job for you is on its way.

Meg {henninglove} said...

and dont worry about the job situation i had my fair share of meltdowns after not getting additional interviews for job i really wanted, i totally understand your current position and how you are feeling

Laurie @ The Rookie Wife said...

DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT feel bad about feeling bad for yourself occasionally. It shows you are a real person, with real thoughts and real feelings. I think we all get a little down sometimes and no matter how positive you are if you're human there are going to be days when you feel a little beaten and let down. I'm with you on the vacay recaps. I LOVE hearing about them!

josie renee said...

I think it's okay to allow yourself to feel the way you actually feel -- whether thats sad, happy, anxious, etc. You radiate sooo much positive energy even when you aren't feeling totally like yourself.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you on this job hunt.

Sharon said...

I normally don't comment. However, I couldn't bear to see you so upset. Just know that although that job seemed like the right fit for you, there is something out there even better. It will all work out. You just have to be patient. it will come sooner than later. Hang in there Faith. You'll be fine and you'll get that wonderful and hoped for job.

Jasmine Hellogmsunshine said...

You may have needed this cry and perhaps long overdue. Lots of change and transition going on with you guys recently. Keep your head up. You may not feel like Faith right now, but maybe a new Faith is emerging and thats a good thing. All things happen for a reason, and when you begin that perfect job you can go back to this post and laugh about how you cried in the restaurant over this one.

Whitney Cypert said...

I cried in a restaurant this weekend too! Not full on crying, just a couple tears ran down my cheeks, I wiped them away, and then we left. It's crazy how sometimes thoughts get to you so strongly that, even though you know you are in front of strangers, tears still slide down your cheeks. Not hearing back from a job is so stressful and disheartening. Especially when you thought it was perfect for you. Garrett has been going through that for the past year and a half and it is so hard. But, it doesn't mean that you aren't great, it just means something else is waiting for you that you might have never even thought of. Hang in there pretty girl!

Whitney Cypert said...

Ps. I LOVE vaca recaps, so for the love of everything Holy...recap that vaca!!

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry you didn't get that job. :( Trust me, I know what it feels like to be SO heartbroken by a job that you thought was perfect. I cried too, believe me. But the job I have now (at the same place I interviewed for the other job) I love. Not only for the job itself, but the people I work with. And I think that was God's way of showing me that this job was it for me, ya know? You definitely have the right attitude, but it's ok to be sad to lose it. ;)

Nancy said...

That cry was also an emotional release of what you have just been through with your move. You want to be a strong, great wife, a successful woman, be by your family, you are missing your friends. It was a way for your body to slowly let go. There is so much good about to come, I FEEL IT!!!
Love you, Faith!!!

Pegster said...

Faith are you kidding me, you better recap that Vegas trip. I need to live vicariously through you. The haters can suck it, I love seeing other people travel pics. I sometimes bookmark the ones for trips that I plan to take to see what they did that I would want to do. You know I want to go to Vegas badly, you better give me some ideas lady

Sorry to hear about not getting a call back about that job. Uncertainty is the worst, it would rock any positive person to the chore. Crying is good for the soul, at least that's what I heard. Don't beat yourself up, you are one of the most positive people I know and this is definitely just a season. I hope and pray that it passes quickly.

As for crying in a restaurant, well, we'll just laugh at that one day, one day very soon.

Maria said...

faith, i love your realness and honesty. i'm so sorry you didn't hear back. i believe you have amazing blessings coming your way...you are so blessed. ohhh, i've cried in a restaurant 3,342,668 times. at least. let the tears fall. <3
i will be keepin' good thoughts for you, as always.
and i can't wait to catch up on your vacation right now! :)
xoxox
maria

LWLH said...

A good cry is cleansing sometimes. I know there are great things ahead of you and though it's hard to see the good now, there will be.

You're a rockstar girl and soon we'll be laughing at your craziness. I can help you with that. I'm pretty emotional nowadays and you wouldn't believe the places I cry.