Monday, July 18, 2016

Six months.

It is so surreal to me that exactly six months ago, on a Monday just like today, everything began quite normal. By the end of the day I was fighting for my life. I did not realize at the time how close I was to death’s door and how God really spared me.

I still have moments of disbelief and sometimes anxiety. The whole experience makes me feel a multiple of emotions, the main one being grateful. Because I want to be here with the people I love most in this world and I’m so glad I was given another chance to be with them.

I still remember so clearly when my doctor told me that it would take 6 months for me to get back to how I was prior to January 18th. I remember thinking how far that was. I remember looking at my left leg three times the size of my right leg in complete disbelief. I remember breaking down in front of my physical therapist when I was learning how to walk again. I remember how difficult it was to climb the stairs when I returned home from the hospital and just how helpless I felt. I just remember how difficult everything was.

What a humbling time.

It seemed like such a long time but still not believable that I would be my old self in six months. I had so far to go.

I remember the first time I went back to the gym. It was April 1st and I could not do ten minutes, let alone an incline or high speed. I was exhausted and felt defeated. Sean told me to start slow. Everyday do an extra minute and every week increase your speed and incline. You'll get there. Sure enough, last Thursday I reached my old time, speed and incline. I was finally able to do what I was able to do before I was hospitalized and it felt so, so good.

And about a few weeks ago I was able to do sit ups for the first time in almost 6 months. I felt so proud of how far my body has come and how it worked so hard to get me where I am.

A lot has changed in six months. The way I think about certain things and the way my body operates. Every time I get up from a sitting position my leg needs to be warmed up. I can no longer just get up and go. I also need to be moving once every hour except for when I'm sleeping because my leg is elevated.

I need to take blood thinners for another 6 months (hopefully!) and wear compression stockings on my left leg for the rest of my life. I won't lie and say that outfit selections have been fun but there are just so much more bigger things to life than outfits. I'll probably never wear a two piece bikini again due to the very visible scar on my abdomen but again, bigger things to life than that.

This road has been very difficult. Now that my body has basically healed, I’ve been working on my emotions. Coming to terms that I’ll never become pregnant has really been getting to me lately and I try to allow myself to feel the pain and then let it go. Those feelings are coming to me more and more because my body is no longer in pain so my attention has now been re-directed to something else.

Although, my emotions are still going through a process I’m relieved to be at this point. I am looking forward to how things will be for me in another 6 months time.

All I can say is that this experience taught me to love so much more. To accept people more. To let those you love know you love them everyday. To be ready because anyday could be your last. Life is way too short and unpredictable to be surrounded by people who do not have your best interests at heart. Let them go. It’s OK to let them go. Love hard. Smile big. Enjoy life. Have empathy.

Just be better than yesterday.

I know without a doubt that I am much better than I was six months and one day ago.

13 comments:

Cece @Mahogany Drive said...

It's amazing how much has changed and how far you have come in six months. You should be so proud of yourself for all the hard work you have done and overcoming everything that you have. I think you are forever changed, but in a good way. You have gained so much perspective on life.

cashanamusings said...

I am so glad to know you are feeling like your old self and are coming to terms about the changes in your life. I know your story has me so thankful and a great reminder about how life is short and we need to be the best we can be while we are here.

Highly Favored said...

So glad you are feeling and doing so much better. Life truly has a way of giving us perspectives on what is important.

The that painful area that you are dealing with, I just pray that God gives you peace. Know that you are blessed in so many ways.

Laura Darling said...

What a difference six months can make!! Hugs as you deal with the emotionally painful things now.

Joy B. E. said...

Faith, you've been through so much and emerged victorious. Your life is a testimony. I can only imagine the emotional turmoil you're going through. HOWEVER, I know that your chapter isn't completely written yet. You and Sean have so much to offer and I pray for God's direction for you in your journey through life. As my dad often says, "it is well."

Danielle said...

Oh Faith! I love reading your posts! Girl toy can totally still rock a two piece bikini. Those scars don't define you, they tell a story. And if anyone asks, share with them. One moment of sharing may change someone's life!

I will pray for you during this difficult chapter of life. This is not the end. You may not be able to physically bear children but you can still be a mother! Turn this test into a testimony! You are gorgeous.

Tomes Edition said...

You are stronger than you think and you have proven it right everytday. Keep your head up high and you will be exactly where you want t be. Big hugs

Emily Jane said...

You're an amazing person, and I am so happy that you've continued to get better & better. I wouldn't be embarrassed about your scars- if you want to wear a bikini than do so! & despite not being pregnant, I just KNOW you'll be a mother anyway. <3

Desiree Macke said...

Six months - wow. You've come so far and overcome so much!
Sending hugs and prayers for inner peace. There are big plans for you, I'm sure of it!

Crystal said...

You've come a long way in six months. I am so thankful your body is mending and you are also working on healing your mind/spirit. Sending prayers and hugs your way. Thank you for sharing your journey, thoughts and insights with us!

Law_Fal said...

And enter the water works. I'm so happy you are even here to reflect on that six months progress. Life is so fragile & you just never know how much can change at just moments time. I promise it seems like these last couple of years so much has happened and I'm just happy to have been able to witness the growth and the process along the way. *hugs*

Pegster said...

This is such a beautiful post and such a humbling experience. I am so happy God spared your life, I am so happy that you are here and doing better and I am even happier that you are enjoying life to the fullest.

Our bodies are amazing and I can't wait to see the great progress you make in the next 6 months

Christelle said...

I give you all the credit for being such a fighter and keeping a positive outlook! You are an amazing woman, Faith!!