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Written on 8/25/2014 but I could not hit publish.

One month ago, I’m sitting at my desk excited that in 30 minutes I’ll be able to leave my desk for an hour for lunch. I hadn’t brought lunch so I spent a great deal of time thinking of all the lunch possibilities. 15 minutes later, I get a phone call. I knew Sean’s mom was going to the doctors because she has MS and diabetes so I did not think much of it. The news that came from Sean’s mouth knocked the breath out of me “Mom has stage 3 colon cancer”. I did my very best to comfort Sean tell him that everything was going to be OK but as soon as I hung up I broke down.

Unfortunately, this was also lunch time, when Margaret and I would leave together for lunch. When she got to my desk I was a hot, blubbering mess. Needless to say, I didn’t go out for lunch that day, I could not think. I spent my time talking with Sean on the phone inside my car.

Two days later, I’m at my desk again and this time it’s a text from my little sister advising me that my mom passed out and they are taking her to the ER. Of course, I was confused but I’m miles away (negative for living in another state) but she told me she would keep me updated.

Couple days later, I’m informed that my mom has a tumor on her leg and that there is no treatment that can be done to save her leg and that her leg had to be amputated. Guys, I’m trying to write this post as “matter of fact” as possible but the emotions that emerged are nothing I’ve ever felt before. My mom? The healthiest person I know. It was just all too much but then I realized that if I felt this way, how was my mom feeling? I felt bad that when I saw her she was comforting me. I couldn’t be strong and was just crying. The leg that I would stroke when she did my hair was going to be taken. This wasn’t happening, just a horrible dream that I was eventually going to wake up from. My mom is fine. She is fine.

But my mom’s leg is gone. And our prayers that the cancer has been cut off from my mom’s body are not answered. There are spots in her lungs. Numerous number of small spots so surgery cannot be performed. She has stage 4 lung cancer. She has never smoked a day in her life. She has the rare cancer. The sarcoma cancer. The cancer that has no treatment. The cancer that my mom has will not only need chemotherapy but also experimental drugs because there hasn't been enough studies on this type of rare cancer and the doctors don't know how to beat it.

I am a woman of faith but I’m also very afraid. But I’m also sad because those scary thoughts that keep coming up refuses to leave. The thoughts of thinking that at any time our precious moms can be taken from us due to cancer. I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. I know what I need to do, I know how I need to act but it’s not happening. I don’t know and not knowing is the scariest part.

Even if you do not believe there’s a God, just say a simple prayer for our moms. I completely believe that if God hears from people who don’t believe in Him, on our mom’s behalf, a miracle is bound to happen because at this point that is what we need.

Today:

I read that post and although it was written almost 5 months ago, I feel the same way. Things have continued to get scary. Sean’s mom has been hospitalized four times since that time, two times because her kidneys were failing and so were her other organs. Her doctor advised us that if she had waited 10 minutes before calling 911 she would have died from cardiac arrest. She is still in the hospital being monitored.

And my mom. Her nurse came to the house to help with home PT for my mom’s leg and she looked at it and said that my mom needed to go to the hospital as soon as possible because it looked like a blood clot. And her nurse was right. She had a massive blood clot in her leg and could have suffered a heart attack. They gave her blood thinners but for some reason they were not working so the doctor advised that she was going to need emergency surgery. Prayers were lifted. And then the doctor came back and told my mom that all of a sudden the medications were working so they were going to hold off on the surgery and continue to monitor her. She is still in the hospital being monitored.

The thing is that I find those two moments miracles. Because prayers are being answered. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way but for the nurse to come to my mom’s house that day and look at her leg and know right away there was a problem. Well, talk about God’s timing. And my mother in law, if she had waited a few minutes and not gotten to the ER when she did she would have been taken from us. We’re asking for the big miracles. You know, for the cancers to disappear. For our moms to make it against the odds. But those moments show that God is working on our behalves. That He hears our cries and prayers. And although, I get moments of small faith and I am screaming and crying and freaking out, I know that at the end of the day, we’re here. We’re alive and that is a miracle.