Friday, January 9, 2015

.........

Written on 8/25/2014 but I could not hit publish.

One month ago, I’m sitting at my desk excited that in 30 minutes I’ll be able to leave my desk for an hour for lunch. I hadn’t brought lunch so I spent a great deal of time thinking of all the lunch possibilities. 15 minutes later, I get a phone call. I knew Sean’s mom was going to the doctors because she has MS and diabetes so I did not think much of it. The news that came from Sean’s mouth knocked the breath out of me “Mom has stage 3 colon cancer”. I did my very best to comfort Sean tell him that everything was going to be OK but as soon as I hung up I broke down.

Unfortunately, this was also lunch time, when Margaret and I would leave together for lunch. When she got to my desk I was a hot, blubbering mess. Needless to say, I didn’t go out for lunch that day, I could not think. I spent my time talking with Sean on the phone inside my car.

Two days later, I’m at my desk again and this time it’s a text from my little sister advising me that my mom passed out and they are taking her to the ER. Of course, I was confused but I’m miles away (negative for living in another state) but she told me she would keep me updated.

Couple days later, I’m informed that my mom has a tumor on her leg and that there is no treatment that can be done to save her leg and that her leg had to be amputated. Guys, I’m trying to write this post as “matter of fact” as possible but the emotions that emerged are nothing I’ve ever felt before. My mom? The healthiest person I know. It was just all too much but then I realized that if I felt this way, how was my mom feeling? I felt bad that when I saw her she was comforting me. I couldn’t be strong and was just crying. The leg that I would stroke when she did my hair was going to be taken. This wasn’t happening, just a horrible dream that I was eventually going to wake up from. My mom is fine. She is fine.

But my mom’s leg is gone. And our prayers that the cancer has been cut off from my mom’s body are not answered. There are spots in her lungs. Numerous number of small spots so surgery cannot be performed. She has stage 4 lung cancer. She has never smoked a day in her life. She has the rare cancer. The sarcoma cancer. The cancer that has no treatment. The cancer that my mom has will not only need chemotherapy but also experimental drugs because there hasn't been enough studies on this type of rare cancer and the doctors don't know how to beat it.

I am a woman of faith but I’m also very afraid. But I’m also sad because those scary thoughts that keep coming up refuses to leave. The thoughts of thinking that at any time our precious moms can be taken from us due to cancer. I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. I know what I need to do, I know how I need to act but it’s not happening. I don’t know and not knowing is the scariest part.

Even if you do not believe there’s a God, just say a simple prayer for our moms. I completely believe that if God hears from people who don’t believe in Him, on our mom’s behalf, a miracle is bound to happen because at this point that is what we need.

Today:

I read that post and although it was written almost 5 months ago, I feel the same way. Things have continued to get scary. Sean’s mom has been hospitalized four times since that time, two times because her kidneys were failing and so were her other organs. Her doctor advised us that if she had waited 10 minutes before calling 911 she would have died from cardiac arrest. She is still in the hospital being monitored.

And my mom. Her nurse came to the house to help with home PT for my mom’s leg and she looked at it and said that my mom needed to go to the hospital as soon as possible because it looked like a blood clot. And her nurse was right. She had a massive blood clot in her leg and could have suffered a heart attack. They gave her blood thinners but for some reason they were not working so the doctor advised that she was going to need emergency surgery. Prayers were lifted. And then the doctor came back and told my mom that all of a sudden the medications were working so they were going to hold off on the surgery and continue to monitor her. She is still in the hospital being monitored.

The thing is that I find those two moments miracles. Because prayers are being answered. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way but for the nurse to come to my mom’s house that day and look at her leg and know right away there was a problem. Well, talk about God’s timing. And my mother in law, if she had waited a few minutes and not gotten to the ER when she did she would have been taken from us. We’re asking for the big miracles. You know, for the cancers to disappear. For our moms to make it against the odds. But those moments show that God is working on our behalves. That He hears our cries and prayers. And although, I get moments of small faith and I am screaming and crying and freaking out, I know that at the end of the day, we’re here. We’re alive and that is a miracle.

51 comments:

EmilyJane said...

I've been praying for them both for awhile now. I love you. <3

Kaity said...

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry- that is all too much for you and your family to carry. Saying a prayer right now for your Moms ♡

Joy B. E. said...

I just said a prayer for both your moms and for you. I am speechless and don't even know the right words to say but I am praying for God's healing power on your families! You have faith and I have faith with you. Be of good courage. The Lord is already fighting this battle.
Sending virtual hugs your way.

Ashley Porter said...

oh faith, i am so sorry to read this. i will be thinking of and praying for both of your mom's.
<3 <3 <3
ashley

Maureen S. said...

I'm sorry and I am praying now for your moms. I don't want to imagine how you feel and have been feeling for so long. God understands your fears and frustrations but continue to just trust that no matter what He is with all of you. Hug!

Perfectly Imperfekt Me, aka Maya D. said...

What do we believers do in times such as this. We JOIN together, we UNITE, WE PRAY... and we BELIEVE that GOD is in control. According to GODs word, we as believers have the divine POWER and AUTHORITY to lose ourselves (and others) from strongholds, AND SICKNESS- LUKE 9:1. I encourage you to lay hands on them, pray over them, speak to that illness, COMMAND IT TO MOVE! Use your God given authority to HEAL, I too will be using mine.

Blessings Sistah!

xo,

Maya D.

Cece said...

Faith-I'm tearing up right now. It's just so not fair and yet we all know that it could happen any day to ourselves or someone we love. Life is such a precious thing. No wonder you said that you were having a bad year and I totally understand that you weren't ready to talk about it until now. This is tough stuff. There are never the right words because no words can take it away. I'm sending warm caring thoughts to you and your family. You are a strong loving family and you'll get through it together.

Law_Fal said...

i have so many things I want to say because I know exactly how you're feeling, but the words can't come forward because those feelings are still so fresh within me as well. Prayer works and we have seen proof of that time and time again. It's just so hard seeing the ones who cared for us needing strength from us that we didn't even or don't even know we possess. A friend of mine told me that I needed to stay strong so that I would have the strength to help my parents, and even though it's hard it's so true. I feel like I'm rambling, but things will get better and everything will be ok......

NikG said...

My goodness. I'm sorry you and you guys' families are going through this. Both of your mothers are in my prayers. It's also great that you and Sean have each other as support.

Best wishes.

Adventures with Little man said...

Faith, big hugs. I'm thinking of you and will be praying for you more specifically now. I lost my brother in July and have had a very hard time. Intact, I've fallen apart. But you are right. I needed to read this post. I'm alive and that's a miracle. I need to be thankful for that.

Adventures with Little man said...

Hit enter too soon...so thank you for being brave and sharing. I'm proud that you have held your head high through this most difficult time.

Nylse Esahc said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but all I can say is Amen.
When we look back we see how God is working all the time. I'm so glad you have faith.

Highly Favored said...

The Lord is your refuge and strength a very present help in times of trouble. My prayer for you, Sean, your sisters, Dad and extended family is that peace, courage and strength will penetrate your hearts, thoughts and spirit.

This is not an easy time for you and your family, I can't even begin to imagine the range of emotions. Just know that my prayers are with you. {Tight HUG}.

Heather said...

I am so very sorry, Faith. I don't even know what to say, other than that you are in my heart and thoughts. Sending love and a great big hug to you.

Sabrina said...

I am soooo sorry you are both going through this I had chills as I read...I knew something was going on by your posts prior but had no idea but was silently praying. I will continue to pray

cashanamusings said...

I am so sorry to hear this, but know I will be praying for your family and for you and your husband.

LaToya LouisvilleSlugger said...

I echo most of the comments here in saying this gave me chills and I send you all hugs. I know God is the ultimate healer and he Has more power than we can imagine. I am praying for both of your moms and for you two and your family's strength.

Katie said...

My heart is breaking for you and your family, Faith. This is just so much for you guys to go through. I'm amazed with you and how you find blessings in every single situation. I know with my dad's health, a positive attitude is the only thing I can say for sure that helped along the way. Praying for you and sending you hugs.

doll (retired blogger) said...

Oh mine. So sad to read all these. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your families. God will make available the balm of gilead for your mom and mom inlaw in Jeaua name

Sarah said...

sending prayers!!!

Jessica Jean-Marie said...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this right now. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. My dad had cancer, so I know what you're going through - but having to deal with two people you love going through it at the same time? My heart is heavy just thinking about it. Please know that I am praying for both your mom & Sean's.

-Danica- said...

Wow, one mom is hard enough, but both at the same time? I'm glad you and Sean have each other. I sat and prayed for them both, imaging what they are going through, and I felt so much warmth and light whispering how much God loves them. He's got this, so lean on him.

xo

Pegster said...

OMG Faith, I am so sorry to hear about this, my heart is aching for your moms :( :(. I will keep praying for the little and big miracles.

I am praying for you and your families

Dee said...

Faith, my heart truly goes out to you and Sean. I prayed for you and your family while I was reading this post and I will continue to keep both of your Mom's in my prayers.

Mrs JK said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. So heartbreaking. Praying for healing and comfort.

doll (retired blogger) said...

Jesus

Eesh said...

You and your fam have always been in my prayers. Although no amount of words can comfort you at this time, my heart completely broke when I read this. We are all praying for you. I used to hate when people said that God never gives us more than we can bear but now I understand and someday you both will. Stay strong hun. Hugs and kisses to you both.

Melissa @ i carry your heart said...

Faith, this post really hits home for me. I think you know from my blog that my dad also has stage 4 lung cancer. He's been fighting for 2+ years. It's so hard, but i try to be thankful for every day I get with him. It's hard to understand why your family is having to go through SO many hard things right now, but I pray for peace for you all.

Sharon said...

Oh Faith, I am so sorry that you've been going through this. My prayers are for both of your mothers. I pray that God lifts up your mothers and keep them from unnecessary pain. You've been strong all these months and now it's time for us to surround you with prayers.

And I promise I'll stop lurking and comment more on your blog entries.

Joiedevivre said...

May the Lord for whom nothing is impossible release the miracles in your lives. May He also provide you with strength and peace as you face these trials and until the very end. Life is tough but God is able.

Bethany Carson said...

Praying that the Lord will give you strength and help and bless your family.

Christina Marie said...

Wow! What an emotionally charged post - I cannot even begin to imagine what you and your husband are going through day to day and month to month. Stay strong and keep the faith - I am lifting up prayers tonight for both of your mothers! <3 And I am lifting up prayers/sending positive vibes your way dear!

redwhitebride said...

Faith and Sean, I am sending thoughts and prayers your way. I cannot even imagine what you've been going through... please stay strong. Hugs & kisses!!

Max g said...

8keeping you and Sean in my prayers. Sendin you hugs

Tomes Edition said...

I'll have you and your family in my prayers. Sending you "E hugs" as i can't imagine your state of mind.

K&R said...

oh my goodness, this breaks my heart to hear. last year ryan's sister passed away from breast cancer at a young age. i saw her fight for almost three years, but her battle ended. i can only hope that both their battles go better. cancer sucks, but i know that things will work out as god has planned for you guys and your beautiful family. hugs for you guys and prayers. so sorry.

Crystal said...

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them..." (Matthew 18:20) Sweet blog friend, I am praying with you for both of your mothers. How sad it is that you have these amazing, loving mothers who are fighting the battles of their lives while mine is acting foolish without a care in the world! It just doesn't seem fair... Keep us posted!! (((((Hugs)))))

Tenecia said...

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I am thankful that you are alive. I am thankful that those that you love are alive.

Please know that prayers are being lifted up.

T.

Monique said...

Faith, I'll be praying for both your mothers tonight. Sending you a big hug.

Christelle said...

Prayers are being said. Dealing with just one of those issues is a lot for someone to work through, but to have it happening at the same time for both you and Sean, I'm truly very sorry.

Desiree Macke said...

Faith, oh my gosh, I'm just catching up.
I'm sending all my prayers and hugs to you and your family.

Katie said...

thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry you guys are going through such a hard time. praying for your family and that you feel some comfort hearing all these people who care about you and love you!

Jennifer said...

Oh Faith - my heart is broken thinking about all of the pain all of you are in. Hoping you feel some comfort in all of the prayer and love you are finding here. Hold tight to Jesus friend - He will carry you through.

Whitney Cypert said...

Hi Faith! Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you guys and also praying.

Vett Vandiver said...

continue to stay faithful and be strong for your family! you are so brave and wise, this is just a test that you will pass! sending love & peace your way xoxo

theINTELLECT said...

Hi Faith,

Going to stop being a lurker now and just say that I am touched by your level of honesty and willingness to share. I pray for you, your family, and especially the mothers in your life. I cannot imagine what you are going through but all I can do is pray for your strength in this trying time. Thank you for sharing your life, both the good and the bad, with us and I will continue to hold you and your family in the Light.

Ashley R said...

Oh Faith, you guys are in my thoughts. I can't even imagine. All my love!!!

Carolyn said...

Oh. My. Goodness. My sweet friend!! My heart and thoughts are with you and your family!!! I know there's no words that really help a situation like this, but know that I'm thinking about you!

Mrs. Pancakes said...

God is the true healer...i continue to pray for your moms!! i know this must have been dificult to share but i do hope it's therapeutic and helps others!

Maria said...

faith, I am so deeply sorry. I am just now catching up on blogs, and am so very sorry to hear this news. I think of you often, and always keep you in my prayers, as I remember the post you wrote in the summer.
I will be keeping you, sean, your mothers, and family in my prayers. i'm so sorry you all are going through this. you are so strong, beautiful, and brave, and your mother and mother in law are blessed to have such an incredible support by their sides. i'll be thinking about you. love and hugs! xoxox

Brandi said...

My dear Faith, I am just now seeing this post. Your words truly touched me. I am holding back my tears, because I remember just how you are feeling. I am praying hard for your mother and Sean's and thinking of you. Never lose faith. Your mom chose that name for you for a very special reason.