Monday, August 8, 2016

One Year.

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Mom, today marks one year that you passed away and I can no longer pretend that you’ve traveled somewhere far and that long distance phone calls are just too expensive. I’ve always known that I needed you but I just did not realize how much. I had no idea how much I relied on you for so many things. Mostly for peace of mind. You just had this way about you, that you could say the right things (even if I didn’t want to hear it) at all times. You have no idea how much I’ve needed our talks and your sound advice.

I am still working on not dwelling on your last few years. Every time I think of you I tear up and start to cry because all I can see is you disappearing right before my eyes. It isn’t easy seeing the person you love most in the world change so drastically. You were so independent and strong and then you weren’t. You hated it more than anything to have your independence taken from you and that hurt me so much. I watched your hair fall out, your eyesight begin to diminish, your pain and the struggle it was to swallow your food. It is no wonder that whenever I would think of you I would cry.

I think it was about a month ago, Emma sent me a candid picture of you from years ago and you were cooking in the kitchen in your headscarf and you had the biggest smile on your face. And that was exactly what I needed to remind myself that you weren’t always sick. And the picture brought back so many happy memories to healthier times.

I remember when you would kick us out the kitchen. This was your place and you made it known. It was a special day when you would allow any of us to help you in the kitchen. And it’s no surprise that all four of us love to cook. Growing up we saw that cooking wasn’t a horrible chore to you. You loved it, so now we do. Funny how that works.

I remember when you asked Sean if he was with me because he loved me or because he just wanted to see how it was like to be with a black girl. You were so serious and the expression on Sean’s face was the best. I remember laughing so hard that I had to hold my stomach. The way you loved & accepted him makes my heart the happiest. I miss it so much talking to you on the phone and you asking to speak to “your boy”. The boy being Sean.

I remember when we use to go to the doctor’s office and we would get a shot you could never watch because it pained you to see us get a needle. Our pain was your pain.

I remember when I got a relaxer and you were not OK with it. And you looked at me and said well, if that is what you want. To this day, I wish I could go back in time and wipe the disappointed look on your face. In the end, I’m so glad that you were able to see me embrace my natural hair.

I love the way you called me a jewel. I love the way every time we spoke on the phone we ended in prayer. I miss your cooking; so, so much. Even when I follow your “recipe” to the exact it never turns out the same. I know why, because you never measured. You just threw things in and created masterpieces.

Today, I’m trying to think of the happy memories and not the way you were taken from us. It’s a lot easier said than done but I’m trying. I really am. So much has happened in the year that you’ve been gone and it breaks my heart that life continues to go on without you. I don’t know when the pain is going to stop. Some tell me time will do that, and some tell me it never will. I’m with the latter because I really can’t imagine when I will ever be OK with you not being here but the thought of you in angel form, no longer in pain …. Well that makes it more bearable.

I love you mom. Until we meet again.

13 comments:

Melissa @ i carry your heart said...

Ugh, my heart hurts for you girl. I totally get it. So hard to remember them healthy when them being sick made such an impact in your mind. But you are right, they mostly WERE healthy and strong and happy. It's worth fighting for those memories. Hugs!

Amanda-Nicole said...

It has been come years since my Grandmother had passed away. Yesterday I had a moment that reminded me that her love still exist. Honey, things will get easier in time, she's still in the air around you, trust me.

Feel better, xoxo

- Amanda

Sharon Staggers-Moss said...

I felt your pain in your words. You were blessed to have such a wonderful woman as your mother. She is proud of the woman you're continuing to evolve into. What a wonderful woman she was. What a wonderful daughter you are.

Highly Favored said...

This is such a touching post.....{HUG}. May God heal your heart/emotions and replace your present pain with joy in a way that only He can.

Joy B. E. said...

😢. Sending hugs your way.

Joy B. E. said...

😢. Sending hugs your way.

Law_Fal said...

I hate that feeling of having to go on without them. It's like still you do stuff and it's always a dang she would've laughed laughed about that or ohh she would loved hearing about this. I really don't know if it ever gets better, but supposedly it gets easier as time passes. I just don't know how long it takes because I'm still waiting.....

Cece @Mahogany Drive said...

Sending virtual hugs your way. Keep holding onto those precious memories you have with her.

Desiree Macke said...

Oh, Faith. My heart hurts for you. Sending hugs your way.
xo

Tomes Edition said...

Big Hugs Faith! Hang in there, she's smiling down at you and so proud.

Crystal said...

You have such beautiful memories of your mom. I am glad you shared them. Thinking of you and sending you hugs friend!

Pegster said...

So beautifully written Faith. I am sure your mom is smiling down from heaven and watching over your family. I know the land of our ancestors has been very very good to her

Sharon Verrett said...


saverrmarriage.com

Faith, having lost my mom, I can feel your pain in memory, as I read your post. I laughed as your mom had the nerve to ask,Sean did he marry you for love or did he want to see what it would be like to marry a black girl? I laughed because that would have been my mom. Held no punches, but all with love for her children. Continue to think of the happy moment. It does help. When you feel sad change the channel in your head, don't dwell there. I promise you as time continue you will laugh more and cry less. Hang in there. ;) ... by the way you and Sean created a BEAUTIFUL baby and I'm glad your mom had the opportunity to hold her.