Stupid Clock.

So it seems that because my sister popped out a baby, I should be popping one out soon. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. Yes, I cried my eyes out when I first laid eyes on my niece but I did that when I first laid eyes on my nephew; 3 years ago.

I think I’ve shared this before but I haven’t really gone into depth about the fear. The fear of bringing children into the world. As most Christians I hate to say the word fear, but it happens to the best of us. I can admit it.

When Sean and I got married in 2009, I was certain that at our 2nd anniversary we would start trying for children.

The time came quickly. I was surprised by how quickly it came. I had to have a deep conversation with Sean that it could not happen. The time was not right. I was not ready. I could not do it. I, I, I. Poor Sean.

But he was fine with it. I think he was fine because as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he wasn’t ready either.

I said within 3 years of marriage I’ll be ready, we’ll be ready. 3 years happened in November and well, history repeated itself. I’m coming up with so many excuses that I can’t even keep up anymore. I’m not even really sure why I’m coming up with excuses.

This time around Sean doesn’t seem to be enjoying my reluctance. In fact, he actually had the nerve asked me if I just didn’t want his babies. Um, are you kidding me? Our babies will be cuuuute. At least they better be. He better have been kidding when he asked me that, but I still let him know that of course I want to be his baby mama.

So what is this fear I’m feeling?

I worry about knowing that I will be responsible for another person. The type of power parents hold is beyond anything I can imagine. Down to how your child is raised, eats, thinks, etc. It’s all up to you. I fear that I’m not ready for that. And then the thought that you may one day lose a child. Yeah, I don’t even want to get into that.

I fear that Sean’s and I’s relationship will change. Right now it is so good that I worry that a child will change things. I mean, I know in my heart that it won’t but my head is playing these games with me. No one plays better games with me than my head.

How much longer can I tell Sean, “Babe, I just don’t want to be pregnant on vacation” “I need to be in better shape”? Not much longer because it isn’t really the truth. Its just been covering the real feelings that I don't want to utter out loud.

The thing is that I want to have children. I want to see a little Faith dressed in leopard print running around or a little Sean rocking out to Slayer, but when the time rolls around, I freak out. I’m almost thinking that Sean is going to “accidentally” get me pregnant. And you know what? Maybe he should. Maybe then I won’t be able to think about it anymore.

Are any of you feeling the same way or do you think that I’m freaking crazy? Actually if you think I'm crazy, keep it to yourself because I will come over to your space and show you crazy. Kidding. Kinda.

I see women and friends that have been married for less years than me and are on their merry way to two children or already have two! Ahh, maybe this year I’ll be all out of excuses. It’s not like I’m 21 or something. I've been told that my clock is ticking.

Stupid clock.