Choices.

Began writing on 2/13/2016:

If you weren't able to read my last three posts start HERE and then read THIS and then THIS that way you are not confused with the way I start my next sentence.

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The thought of going through another DVT scared the heck out of me so I asked what the surgery entailed and this is when I became aware that my doctor was staring at me with such a sad expression on his face. And that is when I knew.

My doctor said, "You're aware that your uterus has shifted due to the growth of your fibroids and is now compressing your vein". I nodded. He continued, "In order to relieve the compression we need to remove your uterus as your fibroids have essentially destroyed it. The surgery will take about two hours. We'll have to cut your abdomen vertically about ten inches long as your fibroids are too big" ...

At this moment, I did not hear anything else he said. I looked over at Sean and began to cry. My doctor actually got up, not finished with what he was telling us and said he'll give us a few minutes alone for some privacy.

As soon as he left that is when the real crying happened. I'm going to be honest with what I said next. I asked Sean, "Why can't they just take out the fucking fibroids. I don't get it!" He was quiet and just held me. As soon as I began to calm down he said, "Let's ask the doctor to come back in that way we can ask some questions". I agreed. He asked the doctor if there was a way to save my uterus and just have the fibroids removed.

My doctor said that he would do as we request but that based on the condition of my uterus there were no guarantees. He advised that he will go into the surgery with the intentions of saving my uterus. He did, however, tell me that if he goes in with the intentions of saving my uterus based on my permission, that if he went in and realized that he could not take out the fibroids, without further harming my uterus, he would have to seal me back up with the fibroids still inside. He asked me to trust him and that if he did go in and could see that there was no saving of my uterus that I would be OK with him taking out both my uterus and the fibroids.

He reminded me that if the compression of my vein was not relieved I was still in danger because this massive blood clot in my left leg was going no where and time was of the essence.

I think Sean could tell that I was going to freak out again so he asked the doctor for a few minutes alone as we needed to discuss.

In my head all I could think was, it's my life or my uterus. It's my life or my uterus. It was my life or my chance of carrying Sean's and I's baby. It was my life or me ever getting pregnant. When I think about it now, it's an easy answer. I mean, what's there to think about? Well, I did. I thought about it for what felt like hours but was only just mere minutes. I had to let my options sink in. And then I began to cry again. This is not an option I screamed to Sean. They didn't give me any options! I don't have a choice, now do I? He rubbed my back and listened to me cry while he tried to console me. When I could cry no more he said, "You know what we have to do, babe. You know what we have to do".

At this point, my family had arrived and they told me to do what I needed to do to be alive but it wasn't until I listened to my dad's voicemail that I really knew. He just lost my mother, the love of his life. His best friend. If anyone knew sadness and grief, it was him. He said simply, "Ruthfaith, you need to live. I need you to live. Tell the doctors to take it out!" I pulled myself up after listening to the voicemail and told Sean to tell the doctors to come back in as we had made our decision. I told the doctors when they arrived to try to save my uterus if they could but if they couldn't to take whatever was harming my life, out of me. In my head I kept on thinking, take those shits out.

Because in the end, if that's the cards you're dealt, that's the cards you play.

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OK, this is so long and I truly appreciate you all reading these posts without any pictures! But I'll stop again and continue in a few days. I hope you all are having wonderful weeks! ♥