Thursday, March 24, 2016

Choices.

Began writing on 2/13/2016:

If you weren't able to read my last three posts start HERE and then read THIS and then THIS that way you are not confused with the way I start my next sentence.

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The thought of going through another DVT scared the heck out of me so I asked what the surgery entailed and this is when I became aware that my doctor was staring at me with such a sad expression on his face. And that is when I knew.

My doctor said, "You're aware that your uterus has shifted due to the growth of your fibroids and is now compressing your vein". I nodded. He continued, "In order to relieve the compression we need to remove your uterus as your fibroids have essentially destroyed it. The surgery will take about two hours. We'll have to cut your abdomen vertically about ten inches long as your fibroids are too big" ...

At this moment, I did not hear anything else he said. I looked over at Sean and began to cry. My doctor actually got up, not finished with what he was telling us and said he'll give us a few minutes alone for some privacy.

As soon as he left that is when the real crying happened. I'm going to be honest with what I said next. I asked Sean, "Why can't they just take out the fucking fibroids. I don't get it!" He was quiet and just held me. As soon as I began to calm down he said, "Let's ask the doctor to come back in that way we can ask some questions". I agreed. He asked the doctor if there was a way to save my uterus and just have the fibroids removed.

My doctor said that he would do as we request but that based on the condition of my uterus there were no guarantees. He advised that he will go into the surgery with the intentions of saving my uterus. He did, however, tell me that if he goes in with the intentions of saving my uterus based on my permission, that if he went in and realized that he could not take out the fibroids, without further harming my uterus, he would have to seal me back up with the fibroids still inside. He asked me to trust him and that if he did go in and could see that there was no saving of my uterus that I would be OK with him taking out both my uterus and the fibroids.

He reminded me that if the compression of my vein was not relieved I was still in danger because this massive blood clot in my left leg was going no where and time was of the essence.

I think Sean could tell that I was going to freak out again so he asked the doctor for a few minutes alone as we needed to discuss.

In my head all I could think was, it's my life or my uterus. It's my life or my uterus. It was my life or my chance of carrying Sean's and I's baby. It was my life or me ever getting pregnant. When I think about it now, it's an easy answer. I mean, what's there to think about? Well, I did. I thought about it for what felt like hours but was only just mere minutes. I had to let my options sink in. And then I began to cry again. This is not an option I screamed to Sean. They didn't give me any options! I don't have a choice, now do I? He rubbed my back and listened to me cry while he tried to console me. When I could cry no more he said, "You know what we have to do, babe. You know what we have to do".

At this point, my family had arrived and they told me to do what I needed to do to be alive but it wasn't until I listened to my dad's voicemail that I really knew. He just lost my mother, the love of his life. His best friend. If anyone knew sadness and grief, it was him. He said simply, "Ruthfaith, you need to live. I need you to live. Tell the doctors to take it out!" I pulled myself up after listening to the voicemail and told Sean to tell the doctors to come back in as we had made our decision. I told the doctors when they arrived to try to save my uterus if they could but if they couldn't to take whatever was harming my life, out of me. In my head I kept on thinking, take those shits out.

Because in the end, if that's the cards you're dealt, that's the cards you play.

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OK, this is so long and I truly appreciate you all reading these posts without any pictures! But I'll stop again and continue in a few days. I hope you all are having wonderful weeks! ♥

18 comments:

Highly Favored said...

Faith, I want to believe they were able to save your uterus, at least that is my prayer. This experience is too dramatic for there not to be a rainbow end. I'm staying tuned...

Christina said...

I am at my desk in tears reading this post. I have been reading your blog for years and have never had the pleasure of meeting you in-person, but I feel like you are my close friend. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us that are lucky enough to know your blog and, more importantly, YOU exist.

Maureen S. said...

Wow, sometimes it takes having your parent just lay it out simply for you to be able to snap into decision mode. Your dad had been on my mind while reading all of your posts, as I was imagining how sad and scary this would have been for him. I've had that break down crying moment in front of a doctor experience before too. Funny (but not so funny) story -I wasn't particularly liking the guy because he kept saying, "if you will" at the end of each sentence while telling me I needed surgery, and sort of smacked his tongue/lips while he talked. In a high stress situation, it irked me. Finally, I just started crying and he shut up and left me and my husband to talk. After that I was able to snap into decision mode and I trusted the doctor. Thank God for awesome hubbies! I'm glad Sean was right there with you!

Nylse Esahc said...

I'm breathing a sigh of relief at this point, because I went to a deep dark place...even started to research side effects of DVT online.

Anyhow, again glad you're here.

Law_Fal said...

I feel like one of your commenters above, I've been reading your blog for years and it definitely feels like I know you. When I tell you that I'm in a legit ugly cry right now I'm not even joking. Girl. I wish I had an explanation for life and all the things we must go through in it. The hardest battles are given to His toughest soldiers is what I always hear, but my God I will be glad when the reaping of rewards begins.

Kirsten Wiemer said...

oh faith. like your other followers, i've always read your blog and i've come to know what a beautiful and amazing woman you are. this breaks my heart. you can and you will get through this. praying for you beautiful girl. <3

Tomes Edition said...

My heart just sank reading this. I always enjoy coming and reading your post and i'm so sad you're going through this. Only God knows and is in control. Hnag in there, and you're in my prayers.

The Mrs./The Mom said...

I have no words. I'm in disbelief. Your dad's words put things into perspective for me and this isn't my battle. I'll be tuned to find out the outcome all the while keeping you in my prayers.

YO said...

Oh Faith, God is your strength. YOU are the apple of his eye and that's why you are alive. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I thank God for your life. I am not an emotional person, but I am in tears right now, because I can relate to some parts of your story. Whatever the outcome, I pray that God will heal you physically and emotionally and continue to strengthen you. I have read your blog for years, and I have known you to be a strong woman, but at times like this, when it seems as if our strength is failing us, rely on God's strength. It is well with you in Jesus name- Amen. I will continue to pray for you and Sean. *HUGS*

Sharon Staggers-Moss said...

Oh Faith, I am crying......

Desiree Macke said...

Faith, I can only imagine what was racing through your mind, Sean's mind, your family's mind.
You dad's words brought tears.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I'm so glad you're still here to tell your story.

Max g said...

You are one strong woman. I have tears in my eyes. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Emily Jane said...

""Ruthfaith, you need to live. I need you to live. Tell the doctors to take it out!"" <--- this made me tear up.

I'm sure it tore your heart in two to make that decision, despite how obvious the answer was. I know you really wanted a child, and I think in that moment it was more the sudden realization of a "dream" that wasn't going to fulfilled that way you expected. However, you will still be a wonderful mother to the lucky children who wouldn't have a mom otherwise, and that is beautiful and amazing too.

Dana said...

My heart aches for you and your husband. I sort of know how hard this is due my owe experience with fiborids and infertility. It is an awful experience. Just know that God had has a plan for you and your husband and for your life. I know that it was a hard decision, but I appreciate your honesty in sharing your experience.

Havilah Luxuries said...

Faith, your openness is so refreshing. I had fibroids too, and was presented with scary options... But at the end, all turned out well. Be encouraged. God has your back always.

Joy B. E. said...

Thank you for your openness. I shouldn't have read this at work because now I am crying!
Faith!!!

Pegster said...

Faith - I am over here crying my eyes out reading this. I can't even imagine what you went through. HUGS

Nancy said...

I love the reassurance from your Dad! Oh gosh, Faith, I am so thankful to God you are ok.