The What Ifs...

Began writing on 2/13/2016:

If you weren't able to read my last four posts start HERE and then read THIS and then THIS and then THIS that way you are not confused with the way I start my next sentence.

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After surgery I was still under the effects of anesthesia but I recall seeing Sean and asking him immediately if the doctor was able to save my uterus. I remember him not answering me but I was exhausted and didn't have the energy to press him and shortly after fell asleep.

I woke up when I heard my doctor enter my room. He asked me how I was doing and I nodded my head sleepily. Soon after he advised me that the surgery went longer than they anticipated, four hours instead of two due to unforeseen circumstances, but that my body reacted much better than they expected. Surprisingly, I did not bleed as much as they thought I would and did not require another blood transfusion. He seemed happy about the outcome so I asked him, "Were you able to save my uterus?" And he replied that unfortunately he could not save my uterus. He explained that when he opened me up it showed that not only did I have massive fibroids (they weighed 8.8 lbs!) but that I also had endometriosis which is a disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of the uterus grows outside the uterus. There was no saving of my uterus. Additionally, one of my ovaries was in bad shape due to the growth of my fibroids so they had to take it out as well. Good news though was that my other ovary was unscathed and they were able to leave it in so I luckily wouldn't have to go through menopause.

When I think about it now this was all good news because I made it out the surgery when my chances were not very good considering my state. But as soon as he finished his spiel, I began to blame myself in front of my doctor. I pointed out that if I just had them taken out in 2007 or in 2012 I wouldn't be in this predicament. Why didn't I get more opinions? Why was I satisfied with what my doctor said? My doctor, Dr. Taylor, (who I must add is the best doctor I've ever had) told me that I could not blame myself because he would have advised me of the same thing my doctor had. He said, I would have told you the same thing because at that time they were not causing me pain or affecting my well-being. He was also kind enough to point out that just because I had taken them out in 2007 or in 2012 didn't mean they wouldn't have grown back with a vengeance considering the size my fibroids grew in a short amount of time.

He told me that very often, if taken out, fibroids tend to grow back faster and bigger and that the only way to guarantee no further fibroid growth or problems was to have a hysterectomy. He asked me, "Were you ready for that"? I replied with a no and that was that. I was extremely thankful that he tried to make me feel better because I know that I am my worst enemy sometimes. But the what ifs and whys are still tough.

So now that my uterus was out this meant that my vein was no longer being compressed so I inquired about my blood clot. Since this is not Dr. Taylor's specialty he advised me that my vascular doctor would be in shortly to tell me their plans to treat my left leg. My vascular doctor, Dr. Doctor (no joke that is her name!) shortly came in and advised me that since the compression was now relieved on my vein that they would do the Catheter-Directed Thrombolysis on my left leg again the following day. This was the first time that the procedure concerned me because now I didn't just have leg pain but abdomen pain as well. My worries were because the procedure that was done to my leg involved me laying on my stomach as the catheter was injected behind my left knee to break up the blood clot. I asked about my abdomen and she advised that it had to be done so I was going to have to push through the pain and discomfort.

The day after my surgery, I was prepped for the procedure but this time they could not allow me to have as much anesthesia for safety reasons so I could actually feel the probing in the back of my knee and discomfort in my stomach. It wasn't so much that it hurt so bad but the fact that I was awake and could feel the probing... It was just the weirdest experience but I made it and the following day another ultrasound was done on my left leg and it finally revealed that the blood clot had broken. My leg was still extremely swollen but my doctor advised that within one month I would see the swelling go down considerably.

The seven days that followed this were hard. I was placed on bed rest for a few days after the surgery but was no longer in the ICU. I had to learn how to use a bed pan which resulted in me saying goodbye to pride. I had to learn how to ask for help which I found out was difficult for me as I have a "I can do everything attitude". I learned that there is actually a right and wrong way to walk since I had to learn how to walk again with the help of physical therapists. I also learned that I'm not above having an insane amount of emotional breakdowns in front of strangers. To be honest, I've never felt so helpless, weak, sad or embarrassed in my life.

But it was during all of that that I also learned something about myself. My spirit could not be broken. There was this light that I couldn't see yet but I knew it was there; and as each day passed the light would show itself more. It would have been so easy to tell my nurses, "No, today I cannot sit up in my chair because of the pain". It would have been so easy to tell my physical therapist that even with the support of a walker it took too much out of me to walk like a snail. All of that was true but I refused to say it because they told me that I could do it. Often times I would be out of breath as though I ran a mile but had not even moved for more than two minutes. It was difficult but as soon as I was told you could do it, I did it.

I've had to look at the silver lining in all of this. It's the only way to not become a pessimist or a negative individual. It's sanity. They were able to save one of my ovaries so no menopause (hallelujah!) and not another menstrual cycle for the rest of my life. To top it all off my belly is flat ;).

You know the saying, "I've never met a strong person with an easy past". Well, it's true because it is during the toughest times in your life that you find strength within you that would not come out unless it's during a difficult time.

Those silver linings made me say, thank God for small mercies.