Friday, September 21, 2012

Guilt

I’ve been MIA this week. I’ve still been around commenting on blogs but I have refrained from writing on my own blog. Last week, we went to see Sean’s aunt at the hospital. It was difficult to watch her and her husband interact and hear her husband say quietly, “It is not suppose to be like this.” I had to lift my head to the sky to keep the tears from rolling down my face. Before we left she asked me a question she has never asked me before. She asked, “Are you pregnant?” I knew why she asked but I tried to make a joke of it and said, “Why do I look like I’ve gained weight?” She said, “No!” And I smiled and said, “No, not yet.” When hubs and I were driving back home I told him and we both fell silent. The reason why she asked is because she now feels that she will not see me pregnant with Sean’s baby or get to meet Sean’s baby. And at that moment I’ve never felt guiltier. Granted, I’ve never cared about what anyone has thought about me and Sean waiting to bring children in the world. It doesn’t stop my mother from bothering me or telling me that I’m going to have twins. But it has stopped others because they know what my response has always been. When we decide, we’ll decide. No one is going to decide for us. But since she had never, ever brought the subject up, I felt guilty and selfish. Guilty because she believes that she may never meet Sean’s child and I’ve had time to allow that to have happened. Selfish because we weren’t ready, weren’t ready to change our lifestyles. I’ve been praying everyday that Sean’s aunt will see me pregnant. And not only see me pregnant but meet our babies because I now know that deep inside that is one of her true desires. Just because the doctor says she has 2-3 months doesn’t mean God does. I have to hold on to that. I will hold on to that. I’m not named Faith for nothing. Hope you all have wonderful weekends. I hope to return next week with a vengeance. Xoxo.

43 comments:

Kaity said...

I understand your feelings of guilt, but don't let them dictate your future. Obviously this is a difficult and heartbreaking situation, but you're completely justified in waiting for the right time to bring your children into this world. These days way too many people go into pregnancy haphazardly. I think it's amazing that you're being so intentional about your decision- shows what a good Mommy you'll be someday!

Lots of love <3

YeamieWaffles said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Sean's auntie Faith, this is pretty heartbreaking to read. My grandmother is exactly the same, trying to imagine we have babies and things so she'll get to meet them before it goes but it just isn't practical to have a child just to make a loved one happy before they go, hopefully she'll have a lot longer on this earth and she will get to meet your babies some day.

THE mom said...

Aww Faithy!! I hate that you are feeling that way but it is understandable. When the time is right it is right...and you're right, just because they "say" 2-3 months, God might have a different more extended timeline. I pray for strength for you and your family.

Married...with a Pup said...

Wow this is such a heavy post that I can greatly relate to. Having my dad pass this year was extremely hard on me. My brothers and sister have all had their children which we got to meet. My grandchildren will be the only ones who will not know my dad. However I am so thankful that he got to meet Derek and see us get married! I think it's important to think about the things he did get to be a part of.

Melissa said...

I totally understand why you feel guilty, but please try not to. Having a baby is a huge, huge decision (I know you know this), and it's not something you do just so someone can see you pregnant/meet your baby regardless of if they're sick. It's incredibly sad that she might not get to, and I pray that she has longer than the drs. say and she does get the chance to see you pregnant and meet your future baby. You're not selfish for waiting or not being willing to give up your lifestyle yet. It's so hard and everything changes when you bring a baby into the mix.

I got pregnant 3.5 months after Jeff's grandfather passed away. They were very close and Landon's middle name is James after him. We always say it would have been so great for him to meet Landon because we know how much he would have loved him. However, he was alive to see us get married. In fact, Jeff is the only grandchild he got to see get married, so we're happy we at least got that. One of Jeff's great aunts passed away suddenly when I was around 9 weeks pregnant, but I had given my MIL permission to tell her about my pregnancy weeks earlier, and I was so glad she knew before she passed.

If I could give you a hug, I would. I'm sure this is such a hard time and you guys are in my thoughts :(

Carolyn said...

OMG! So sad! My Grandma was recently diagnosed with cancer, and has been dealing with radiation and treatment, and when it all started (before she knew the severity) she asked me when we'd be having kids. It was almost like "how long do I have to hold on?" SO HEARTBREAKING! I'm having faith that Sean's aunt will be able to hold on and meet your adorable little someday babies!!!

Travel_The_World said...

Awww...I got teary eyed reading your post. I know that couldn't have been easy for you and Sean.

I do agree with previous posters. Don't make a decision like the timing for having a child based on this. You can mention to Sean's aunt when you both plan on trying and explain that you never felt ready but that you will make sure that the baby knows about his/her great Aunt. And encourage her by saying "you know, he/she will want to meet you so be sure to get well soon!"

Hugs to you both!

Lacey said...

Awe, girl... this made me tear up. I can totally understand why you would feel guilty, I think it is natural especially in certain instances like this. And if God forbit she isn't around to see you guys have kids, she will most definitely be in your hearts no matter what.

The Pink Growl said...

Oh Faith! What a heavy feeling to have! Prayers & hugs to you sister!

Michelle said...

I'm so so sorry. I know how you feel, and I can relate. My dad passed away and I often have the same feelings.

Ashley said...

oh my dear faith. i cannot even begin to imagine how you feel, so i'm not going to say i do. but, i do know that you're a beautiful, loving and wonderful lady that will be the bestest mom someday. i pray God allows Sean's Aunt to meet y'alls cute lil' mixed babies...cause we know they are gonna be cute! i mean c'mon...mixed kids are the cutest kids ever. ;) hehe. seriously, though i'm thinking about you. man, your post caught me off guard...i wasn't expecting to get on teary eyed on blogger today. oh, i wish i could give you a BIG ole hug right now!!

ruthy ann said...

:( so sorry to hear about your aunt...having a family is a huge decision--praying God works miracles.

Elle to Elle said...

Keep the faith. That is definitely your name for a reason. The circle of life is truly amazing. I've seen plenty miracles happen so I know just how real having faith is. Praying for you all.

CeCe said...

It brings tears to my eyes just to think about how awful it must be to lose the one you love so much and just have no choice in the matter. How terrible. Please don't feel selfish about not wanting to have a baby yet. I'm sure she understands. You have to have a baby for yourself and never for anybody else. Keep strong.

Farmer's Wife said...

Well, having a baby changes a lot of things and I think that the fact that you realise that and want to give your children the best means you're not selfish at all.
It may hurt to think that Sean's aunt will not see your baby but I'm sure she knows how important it is for you two to be ready for kids even though she'd really like to meet them. And who says she won't live another 10 years or s?. God's ways are surely not our ways. Hang in there. And I'm praying for your family during this time. God is in control.

Kirsten Wiemer said...

girl, i understand what you mean. i know that when the time is right for you guys it will happen. i'm no genius, but the time will be right and you will be the most wonderful mother. prayers to your sweet aunt. keep up your faith :)

Kay said...

*HUG*

Ashley said...

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<3

Brittany said...

Oh Faith, this breaks my heart. We just found out yesterday that my grandma has cancer...after losing her husband, my grandpa, to cancer a year and a half ago. I HATE the stuff. Definitely sending lots of prayers and hugs your way. God has a plan...Sean's aunt will see your babies whether she's holding them or looking down on them...please don't feel any guilt sweet girl. Hope you guys have a peaceful, restful weekend.

Pegster said...

Awww Faith, I feel for you. I totally understand your guilty feeling. This is a trying time for your family so that always brings such feelings.

You are so right about one thing, God works in mysterious but beautiful ways. Keep the faith. I hope and pray that he answers prayers for you guys.

((HUGS)).

Monique said...

Faith, I'm glad you've shared an update. It's so tough, and hard not to feel guilty when someone you love is in a position where they may not get to enjoy the future with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

toi said...

Prayers to Sean's aunty.

Marie said...

Oh Faith. This post made me cry. Don't feel guilty, having a baby is a HUGE decision, one that you and Sean have to make out of love, not of guilt.

Prayers for Sean's aunty, and remember to believe, that one way or another, she will see your babies when they arrive.

Jenna said...

Oh Faith, I am so so sorry to read all of this. I completely understand why you feel guilty, but there truly is nothing to be guilty about. You and Sean should definitely wait until you both are ready and think the time is right to bring precious babies into the world! I don't think you've been selfish in the least.

Sending prayers for you, Sean, Sean's aunt, and his entire family <3

Nancy said...

I totally respect you waiting...kiddies are for life & it's so precious that you & Sean have TRULY enjoyed each other before kids. You both will be great parents when the time is right...God's time!!
Adore you, Faith!!

MellyB said...

Oh Faith. I'm so sorry for life being so unfair. I'm so sorry for your Aunt and Uncle. I'm sorry that you have to question decisions that you made that were yours to make. I'm sorry that so many people are hurting. Sending lots of prayers to you and Sean's aunt. I believe in miracles. I hope you all get to see one.

Tiffany said...

I totally understand you feeling guilty, but having a baby is probably the biggest decision you'll ever make. I pray that Sean's aunt is able to hold on & see you and your babies in due time :)

Megan Brink said...

Saying so many prayers for you and your family. You will be an amazing mom when you decide the time is right!

Amy said...

We serve a miracle working God. Stay strong dear Faith. Having a baby is a life changing decision and you should make it based on what is right for you and your husband. Sean's Aunt will see your future baby either in her earthly body which is what we are all praying for, but if that is not God's plans which is hard to think about she will be your future baby's guardian angel watching over your baby always!

Ashley {hudson's happenings} said...

I'm so sorry, Faith. Sorry for Sean's Aunt and her illness, sorry for your feelings of guilt...just so sad and heartbreaking. Just remember, you are living according to God's plan. I'm praying for you guys. xo

Megan said...

Oh Faith, I'm so sorry. This is tough. God has perfect timing and He knows what is best before anyone else. I pray that she will be able to meet y'alls baby here on Earth, but I also take comfort that she will be able to meet the baby one day in heaven, too! God is faithful!

Mrs. Pancakes said...

That's a tough one but honestly God has a plan for all of us...you and Sean can only do your part and God will do the rest...family and friends will understand:-) hugs your way from us!!!

Bridget Hedger said...

That is sad. You just have to do what's right when it feels right. I worry all the time my grandparents won't see me pregnant or my baby. I can't rush this for them though. It's good to be selfish at this time in your life! Babies need lots of love and care and you can no longer think of yourself. I hope his aunt is okay and stays well! You are an awesome lady :) I've been MIA forever..with going back to school and running it's just not a top priority of mine right now. I appreciate your comments though :) Keep your chin up ;)

The Sweetest Thing said...

Wow... this is crazy. I often worry about those things as well. I know that has to be hard for you! I will be praying for you and for her as well - it ALL Will work out in His timing... perfectly.

Hannahs Haven said...

I absolutely love your resolve. I do hope your hubby's aunty gets better and you're right about God having a different say from the doctors.

I'm new to blogging, do visit my space.

Carolyne O' said...

So sad about Sean's auntie, hope that everything will go on the right way.
A big hug from Italy

Carolina

www.the-world-c.blogspot.com

Makaila said...

oh Faith.. life throws us unexpected curve balls sometimes, doesn't it. I guess, in the end, you just always have to stay true to You, no matter what. You are such a sweet, sensitive, caring person. My prayers and thoughts with your family and Sean's aunt. XO

Georgina Castellucci said...

Aw Faith! I am SO glad you will not let anyone influence you and Sean's life decisions. They're yours and yours along to make and live with. I will keep you both and his aunt in my thoughts and prayers xo

Angela K said...

Prayers and thoughts for Sean's aunt. That must be SO hard for everyone. So sorry!

I understand your feelings of guilt and selfishness. It's hard not to be hard on yourself when you know you might be making someone sad, whether you've done something directly or not. You and your husband are right to be deliberate and thoughtful about when to become parents. But it doesn't change that Sean's aunt may not know your babies. It's such a difficult position to be in. Keep that faith that you have. It will get you through. You're a strong lady!

Kathy C. said...

Aw man... this breaks my heart. Seriously brings tears to my eyes. I can totally see where she is coming from, but try not to feel the guilt. You and Sean are waiting until you're both ready to raise your child. Definitely keep praying...and have Faith that God will do things in His perfect timing.

Eve said...

To Sean and Faith, I'm sorry that your Aunt is with end stage cancer, my thoughts are with your family at this time.

Papi's Girl said...

So sad. I understand how you feel but like you said just keep the FAITH! I will pray with you as well. :)

Nic A said...

Ah Faith. I am so sorry about Sean's aunt. This is such a touching story. You cannot feel guilty about not having the baby in time though. You have to remember that you are not being selfish by waiting until you and Sean are ready. You will be better parents for waiting until you are ready to bring another life into the world. You will make an excellent mother! You have such a big heart! Miss you.