Guilt

I’ve been MIA this week. I’ve still been around commenting on blogs but I have refrained from writing on my own blog. Last week, we went to see Sean’s aunt at the hospital. It was difficult to watch her and her husband interact and hear her husband say quietly, “It is not suppose to be like this.” I had to lift my head to the sky to keep the tears from rolling down my face. Before we left she asked me a question she has never asked me before. She asked, “Are you pregnant?” I knew why she asked but I tried to make a joke of it and said, “Why do I look like I’ve gained weight?” She said, “No!” And I smiled and said, “No, not yet.” When hubs and I were driving back home I told him and we both fell silent. The reason why she asked is because she now feels that she will not see me pregnant with Sean’s baby or get to meet Sean’s baby. And at that moment I’ve never felt guiltier. Granted, I’ve never cared about what anyone has thought about me and Sean waiting to bring children in the world. It doesn’t stop my mother from bothering me or telling me that I’m going to have twins. But it has stopped others because they know what my response has always been. When we decide, we’ll decide. No one is going to decide for us. But since she had never, ever brought the subject up, I felt guilty and selfish. Guilty because she believes that she may never meet Sean’s child and I’ve had time to allow that to have happened. Selfish because we weren’t ready, weren’t ready to change our lifestyles. I’ve been praying everyday that Sean’s aunt will see me pregnant. And not only see me pregnant but meet our babies because I now know that deep inside that is one of her true desires. Just because the doctor says she has 2-3 months doesn’t mean God does. I have to hold on to that. I will hold on to that. I’m not named Faith for nothing. Hope you all have wonderful weekends. I hope to return next week with a vengeance. Xoxo.