Thursday, March 20, 2014

Standstill

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This winter I was pretty much a hermit. The weather was so awful which is kind of ironic because many who live in PA say it was the worst winter in 12 years. I don't know if 12 years is an exaggeration but the consensus is definitely in at least 3 years. If there was going to be one positive about moving to PA from NY it was having a milder winter which completely did not happen. Winter was actually worst here this year than it was in NY for a few years.

Due to the abnormal weather I spent a lot of time indoors only going out when I had to. I made so many new recipes (Sean loved this!) because it was something to do besides apply for jobs which I'm still looking for ...

Now that it's finally getting warmer I'm going to motivate myself to get out. I still feel like I'm new to the area, that I'm a tourist. I moved to PA last September and spent several weekends going back and forth to NY. When things finally settled winter was upon us and I became quite the hermit.

I've decided that I'll drive around (I still have no idea about streets here) and get lost until I want to go home and then ask for Siri's directional skills, take pictures and try to make myself love where I am right now because we're not going anywhere.

It really hasn't been an easy transition.
I miss my friend's face. I miss our house. I miss my old job. I miss our old town. I miss my old routine so much.

I know there's a time for everything. That things won't always go as we want or as we planned. I know that He has a plan and is fulfilling that plan but I won't lie and say that I haven't had deep conversations with Him asking what the hold up is. I told Him I don't want to feel like I'm at a standstill in life. That I'm 31 years old and I'm starting all over again. That by this time I thought I would be in a completely different state of life and mind.

I'm different. I've changed. I feel it. And I really just want to feel like me again.

But in all that, I know that His time is the best time. So I'll continue to pray and ask for guidance, patience and peace of mind, and trust that during this time a lot of growth and change is happening within me, and that I just have to put on my seatbelt and go along for the ride.

Because to be honest it could be a lot more bumpy.

And then I begin to feel guilty for feeling this way and I mask it with a smile. Because I know I'm fortunate and that my worries are so small. And that someone would switch places with me in a heartbeat. And so I take a moment to scream it out, compose myself to go back and apply to new jobs and tell myself that if this is the worst time of my life I had better count my blessings.

25 comments:

EmilyJane said...

Your worries may seem small compared to other people, but they are still HUGE to you. Like I've told you before I'm sure it's just a time of stretching and testing your faith (no pun intended). I've been praying for you daily- new seasons in life are hard. I'm hoping with the Springs new growth your own personal season will grow with it. That sounded cheesy- I don't mean it too.It's just difficult when you've felt stuck for a long period of time (or at least longer then you're used to).

Kimberly Whittaker said...

In counseling, we always say that your feelings, are your feelings. Feel them. Appreciate them. And don't feel bad for them. It's literally how you feel and you cannot change it. Just keep praying. :)

If you ever want to chat about career stuff, please do not hesitate to ask me! It's my FT job, and I do it privately too.

Katie said...

I can definitely relate. I feel pretty stuck right now in my career. I feel very blessed to have a job don't get me wrong. However, I have always felt I had/have the potential to excel. I'm extremely motivated. But my career has not taken off like I thought it would. It has led me to second guess going to grad school, etc. My husband is tearing it up and is getting promotion after promotion. I'm so incredibly proud of him and wouldn't want it any other way, but it has left me to feel like a failure!!

Honestly, having Charlie has given me a real purpose in this life and has refocused me. I can definitely tell you that I have felt the exact same way as you....just not feeling like myself. You will find a job that you love and will be the perfect fit, I promise! Just in hang in there pretty lady!

Katie said...

I can definitely relate. I feel pretty stuck right now in my career. I feel very blessed to have a job don't get me wrong. However, I have always felt I had/have the potential to excel. I'm extremely motivated. But my career has not taken off like I thought it would. It has led me to second guess going to grad school, etc. My husband is tearing it up and is getting promotion after promotion. I'm so incredibly proud of him and wouldn't want it any other way, but it has left me to feel like a failure!!

Honestly, having Charlie has given me a real purpose in this life and has refocused me. I can definitely tell you that I have felt the exact same way as you....just not feeling like myself. You will find a job that you love and will be the perfect fit, I promise! Just in hang in there pretty lady!

Crystal said...

Gosh, my husband feels like this -- exactly like this. He's been out of work for over a year. Although he applies for jobs all the time, he gets nothing. No phone call, no interview, nada. He just turned 32 and he feels like he is at a standstill. He wants so much to be productive and feel a sense of accomplishment again... to have a regular routine and feel like a real contributor financially. We pray regularly about his job situation - but I pray for him privately... that he will not be discouraged, unmotivated or continue to feel like he's in this "standstill" place. My prayer for him (and for you) is that God would continue to move you forward, growing you and teaching you, no matter what that looks like. Have a great day!

Allie said...

TGIS - Thank God It's Spring!

xo,
Al
www.sparklesandstilettos.com

Heather said...

I'm sorry it's been a tough transition for you and that you've felt like you have to mask your feelings with a smile. I actually feel much the same way in my life right now in terms of my career and not knowing what's next overall. I think it's great that you still appreciate what you have, and I understand the feelings of guilt, too, over the fact that for other people, things are worse. But you are a great person, and I believe the right path will definitely present itself for you. Sending a big hug!

Angela - RoseTinted Lenses said...

Never feel guilty for having feelings! I am in the same place as you are now and I've been there before so know that you will get through it! I hope Spring brings new beginnings for you! Big hugs xxx

Angela K said...

I know what you mean and I appreciate you writing this! One of the reasons trials are hard for me is because it's hard to understand and I have the "why me?" thoughts, which are never helpful. It helps to let faith see you through. Thanks for being an inspiration! And if you want some sunny weather come visit me in CA anytime!

TOI said...

I can relate because I was in your same shoes when I first moved here. It's always hard to transition into a new phase in life but things will settle just in the way you want them in due course. Stay strong and enjoying your new place will make things a little bit easy.

Hugs

Carolyn said...

I love the honesty in this post!! Here's hoping this spring you can make PA feel like home!!

Cece said...

It's only natural to feel this way and I don't think things have to be the worst thing ever in the world for you to struggle with it. I do get your guilt though. I tend to do the same thing but realize that you are entitled to your feelings. I think it's just taking you longer then you would like but I am sure you will find your footing in this new place soon. Starting with the weather! Then hopefully everything else follows.

Beauty said...

This is a very thoughtful post. It's okay to feel this way in a new environment and I wish you a fast adaptation to your new home. It's also very refreshing to count our blessings like you mentioned.
Thanks so much for sharing.

Tomes Edition said...

This was so heart whelming. I truly can relate to an extent but I'll say focus on the positives in your life now and things will fall into place. Unfortunately things don't always happen when we want but in God's time. You're blessed!

Law_Fal said...

Things will get better! It's just the waiting part that sucks soooo bad. I'm still waiting on so many things but I do know that when God moves it's usually greater than we could've ever imagined.

Pegster said...

Faith - so sorry that you are having such a tough transition. It's so not easy. It's completely ok to feel the way that you do and though you are blessed, it's a hard time to go through.

I sometimes feel guilty when I complain about my kids because I know so many people that wish they had my problems. It doesn't make those problems any less.

Hang in there lady, I hope things get much better soon.

Eesh said...

Sometimes transitions can be tough and this one seems to take the cake. I know that feeling of being stagnant is not a good one, I've been there...I still am there. In the main time, you have to find things that work for you (like you've been doing) and make 'em count. It's not an easy feat moving to a totally new city and starting over again. That, I've never done but I plan to and I want to revel in every minute of it. Count this as a learning experience, one that will help you to grow :)

xo

Dee D said...

I didn't know you lived in PA. I moved to York eight years ago from Maryland and yeah, it did take some adjusting for me as well. Just hang in there Faith, spring may just bring more to you than nice weather. Hopefully something will come your way before you know it. I'll be praying for you, too.

Ashley R said...

I really, truly hope you find something you love that changes it all for you! The winter is hard as it is, let alone being cooped up with your own head. (At least that's how I am!) Glad you have a supportive husband. You are so talented there has to be a great match out there for you. I think exploring the area is a great way to start reconnecting to your old self, or maybe even a new self you like even more! <3

Chari D said...

I loved that last line. I'm glad you've got your faith to support you right now. God loves you and so do we :) I nominated you for the the Shine on and the Sunshine awards. I hope that brightens you day even a little. check it out and decide if you'd like to give it a try http://www.deepfriedstilettos.com/2014/03/10-random-facts-blog-award.html

Keep up the great posts lots of people look forward to them.

Have a great weekend!

Kiara said...

Embrace change. Like you said, it could be a lot more bumpy. Explore, open yourself up to the new environment, do things you've never done, and you just might like it better than your old routine. I myself love PA, more specifically Philadelphia. Something about that city just calls my name. I'm really considering moving there for graduate school.

Life with J and J said...

Oh dear! Your feelings are certainly understandable but you are doing the right thing by waiting on God.
I took some time away from the blog world to reflect on things going on with me. It does help quite a bit.
Continue to have faith that God will get you through it.
I'll be praying for you! Sending virtual hugs your way.

Myisha Turner said...

Ahh, you are such a sensible woman. Just acknowledging that you are blessed even through times of change/uncomfortableness is HUGE! He has it all worked out....your patience will be rewarded BIG TIME! Praying for you!

Christina Marie Kellogg said...

I understand how you feel. I hope that with each day, you are feeling more and more like yourself, and that the guilty feelings have subsided.

Christina Marie Kellogg said...

P.S.
I appreciate your comments on my blog involving my sabbatical. Thanks!