Sunday, August 23, 2015

Hard Lessons.


When I sit down to blog today it is hard to figure out where to start. So I first want to say thank you so much for the outpouring of love that has been shared in the last two weeks. It has been deeply felt and I'm amazed how so many of you I've never met (and most likely will never meet) are able to care and send prayers, scriptures, condolences, etc. You care and that means so much.

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Yesterday marked two weeks since my mom passed away and I would like to say that I'm no longer going through denial and that it is getting easier. It is strange because at some points in the day you feel happiness and you catch yourself smiling and then it is like, bam, you remember your mom is gone and those minutes of happiness are replaced with hyperventilating tears.

The emotions are so crazy and you just wonder when you'll feel OK to smile without feeling guilt.
I know that it's OK because everyone is telling me so but I wonder when I'll feel OK to just go on with life.

I know I have no choice but to move forward without my mom in my life. That choice was made for me.

The next time I blog I will just start right where I left off. Not because I won't be thinking about my mom but because I know that I can't dwell on her death but should marinate on the amazing life she led. I know there will be days when I will have a desire to write about my mom whether I am feeling happiness about a memory or sadness because she is no longer here. I know that is my right so I will continue to keep her memory alive on my blog because she will always be so alive to me.

These pictures are the last pictures my mom and I took together. May 9th 2015.

On this day, I noticed that she was growing back hair that she had lost during chemotherapy.
She was in high spirits and that smile of hers could not be denied.

Shortly after this, we were told that there was nothing medically that could be done and my mom began to experience extreme pain and lost of her eye sight.

She, however, did not lose hope and even in her pain she would always ask how I was doing. I remember one day I was experiencing cramps and I was foolish enough to mention it and she still felt for me and placed her hand on my stomach and prayed for my pain to go away. These are the memories that I will always treasure and will keep in my heart for always.

But, how?

Just how does one move on from the death of a person you've loved all your life? The first person you loved? I have a feeling that this is one lesson that is going to be so hard to learn from. I do not want to know the lesson, nor do I want to learn from it.

I just want her here.