Thursday, December 31, 2015

Life.

Back in the blog day, I use to do a year in review but in 2014 when my world turned upside down I could not do it.

I had no desire to look back at 2014. I wish I knew what I know now because 2015 was so much more worst because I lost the first love of my life. The person who I truly believed was going to be in the world until she was 105 years old. Yes, I use to always say my mom was going to live until she was 105 years old. Not sure why I chose that age but I did. 2015 shook me to the core because at the young age of 64 my mom passed away. She went to meet Jesus and left behind breaking hearts.

To say that 2015 has been the hardest year in my life is the biggest understatement I've ever made. It was so hard, guys. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. Loss and grief is no joke. But I'm also old enough to realize that such is life. Life gives and takes. And this time it decided to take the most important person in my life.

It is crazy how much you do not know you need someone until they are gone. Ripped out of your life without any say. To go these months without talking to my mom, getting her sound advice, seeing her in person, and feeling her love has been the hardest. I can feel it within every part of my being that she is not here. I wake up and am automatically reminded that she is not here. And then the sadness just rushes through me and it is hard to catch my breath.

I am allowing myself to grieve, to feel sadness, to feel like my world will never get better. My mom deserves my sadness to be honest. She was just so good, so for me not to grieve her the way I am will be a disservice to her memory. I am allowing myself to feel the pain. To lose someone so great, hurts, so I should hurt.

It's OK to not be OK. It's OK to not feel like returning a smile when someone smiles at me.
It's OK to laugh and then cry a mere few minutes later. It is more than OK.

But I am also allowing myself to live. To be happy. To smile and to laugh when the urge hits me. I'm allowing myself to indulge in my favorite foods, to shop for fun home d├ęcor, to get dolled up for date nights, to laugh hysterically when a friend makes a joke and to feel like the king of the world when I make a slamming meal for dinner and Sean licks his plate.

As we move into the new year and leave 2015 behind there is so many things that I would rather forget, but of course it isn't that easy. Many of these memories are imprinted and will never be forgotten. 2015 has changed me, for the better and the worst. The way I think now is so completely different from the way I use to think. And because of this, I will recap 2015 on the blog because it happened. It has shaped me in ways I never wanted to be shaped but it happened.

So, now I just have to put time aside to do it but I will. Eventually.

To my family, friends and readers, I truly wish you all the happiest and healthiest New Year! ♥

7 comments:

Tomes Edition said...

How you grief will be different from others so take your time to heal your wounds. I can tell 2016 will be amazing for you. Cheers to 2016 - Happy New Year.

The Mrs./The Mom said...

Happy New Year!! And sending lots of virtual hugs!

Crystal said...

Happy new year to you and your family. Hoping you have a blessed, joyful year ahead :)

Dee said...

Happy New Year, my friend and warm, BIG hugs... :)

Emily Jane said...

One day at a time. <3

Happy New Year Faith.

The Pink Growl said...

Grief is definitely a process. We just learn how to deal with the loss on a day by day basis, well because we just have to. I think of you often, sweet Faith with the beautiful smile! And when I do, I pray for you! 2016 will surprise you in ways you can't even imagine right now, I just know it. A blessing will come from this! XOXO

Cece said...

Sometimes I break out in a cold sweat thinking about what you have already gone through and knowing that some day I will have to deal with it. I don't even know how! It is just so dang upsetting. You are doing it, but I'm sure you don't even know how either. You just get through it. My heart goes out to you. 2016 has to be better as you continue to heal.